Cryptonews

In a post so scintillating it could only be on X, ChartNerd pointed to the multi-month support at a rather pedestrian $1.8. Apparently, over the last 13 months, XRP has a habit of rallying into its trading range resistance when it approaches this territory. How quaint! 📈🎢 The accompanying chart-a masterpiece of lines and squiggles-suggests the altcoin could bounce to above $3, as it has in the past. But, my darlings, with the Bank of Japan threatening to raise rates, ChartNerd wonders if this time the script might be rewritten. 🏦💥

SoFi Technologies has launched SoFiUSD, a fully reserved U.S. dollar stablecoin issued by SoFi Bank. Notably, the company says this is the first national bank-issued stablecoin on a public blockchain. The launch is a strategic move to combine regulated banking and onchain settlement. Therefore, the focus of industry attention has quickly intensified. 😂

The price of Bitcoin (BTC) has risen by 0.65% over the last 24 hours. One might call it a “technical rally,” or perhaps a “triumph of hope over experience.”

Yet, my dear reader, not all is as it seems in this crypto carnival. While the buying pressure has tickled the market’s fancy, the capital groups remain as convinced as a cat at a dog show. The result? A market suspended between support and skepticism, destined for a range move as thrilling as a tepid cup of tea. Pi Coin, alas, finds itself at a crossroads-inflows are flirting, but conviction is as elusive as a Nabokovian butterfly. 🦋🤷‍♂️

Market analysts, those paragons of sagacity, caution that most of these products will perish within a few years. A tragedy, really, for a fund that could only dream of outliving its launch press release.

And who are these modern-day Robin Hoods? None other than the North Korean hackers, those enigmatic figures who, with a few strokes of their keyboards, siphoned off the majority of these funds. Truly, a feat worthy of a Soviet-era spy novel, albeit with more zeros and fewer trench coats. 🕵️‍♂️💻

So, Kyrgyzstan’s out here acting like they’re the next financial superpower. First, they sell $700 million in eurobonds, and suddenly everyone’s like, “Wow, Kyrgyzstan, you’re so cool now.” 🙄 Bloomberg’s all over it, and some guy named Abdanbek (seriously, who names their kid that?) is bragging about opening doors for corporations. Doors to what? A closet? A bathroom? Who knows? 🚪

Key Takeaways (Or Should We Say, Golden Nuggets?)

This announcement comes hot on the heels of Ethereum’s resident genius, Vitalik Buterin, casually dropping the idea of an onchain “gas futures” market. 🛢️🔮 According to him, it’s like a crystal ball for transaction fees, letting users hedge their bets and avoid those dreaded “Oops, my gas fees just ate my lunch” moments. 🥪💸

Bitcoin’s share of the whole crypto mess spiked up to 60%, its highest peek since November 14th, when BTC was flirting with the $100,000 mark-the good old days. Right now, it’s chillin’ around $87,000, probably counting its millions and planning its next move.