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“COBOL [Common Business-Oriented Language] is everywhere,” sneered Anthropic, as if boasting about a particularly stubborn mold. “It handles 95% of ATM transactions in the U.S.-which is just lovely, until you realize the coders who built it retired to Florida and left behind a cryptic note: ‘Don’t forget the sunscreen.’”

The Arizona State Legislature recently propelled a legislative endeavor to establish a Digital Assets Strategic Reserve (DASR) fund, notably naming XRP and BTC among the cryptocurrencies slated for inclusion. Passing the Senate Finance Committee with a 4-2 vote, the bill specifies that the reserve will comprise digital assets seized, confiscated, or surrendered to the state.

But does this little sprout possess the stamina to sustain its aerial acrobatics? Can it defy gravity-or at least the market’s gloomy mood-and vault toward an all-time high? One must wonder if this is a fleeting tryst or a lifelong romance with momentum.

The idea, whispered by the Financial Times like a ghost in a vault, is still in its infancy-though what infancy could be called when the world is on fire? Five unnamed individuals, cloaked in anonymity, have revealed that the talks are as vague as the future of the economy in a land where the only stable thing is the instability. Key details, they say, remain as elusive as a Hamas budget audit.

Bitcoin, that fickle lover, slipped 4.5% in a mere two hours, descending to $64,200-a price last seen since February 5th, when the world was still young and hope was free. The futures markets, ever the drunken revelers, erupted in a frenzy of forced exits, their cries echoing through the halls of speculation.

Several Russian-linked crypto exchanges continue to allow transactions linked to sanctioned entities, according to a report published Friday by blockchain analytics firm Elliptic. A report so riveting, it could make a stone weep.

Behold, then, the irony: the very zeal that binds this army together-its boundless hope, its refusal to kneel before the altar of despair-becomes its greatest vulnerability. Scammers, those modern-day Icaruses of greed, swoop in with gilded promises and counterfeit cathedrals, their schemes as intricate as the theological debates of old. And so, the SHIB Army, in its pious trust, becomes the unwitting pawn in a farce of financial ruin.

Crypto research firm 10x Research, ever the party pooper, raised an eyebrow on Monday, warning that ETH is at valuation levels where its fundamental value proposition is being “structurally tested.” Which, in other words, means it’s about as stable as a teacup in a hurricane.

Traders? They were more surprised than my cat when I tried to teach her to knit. CoinGlass reports $206 million in long positions liquidated-while shorts only managed $4.8 million. Sounds like a party where everyone brought a toaster except for one guy who brought a cactus. Everyone’s toast, but the cactus is just confused.