According to the spokesperson, the decision of clemency rests entirely in Trump’s hands-hands that are, according to all reports, firmly gripping the “no pardon” button. Yes, folks, no redemption here. Not even a hint of a presidential pardon. It’s as if Trump’s had his fill of billion-dollar boondoggles and is unwilling to let this one slide.
With more than three billion souls already lost in its digital rabbit holes, Meta is itching to let those souls exchange tokens for tangible goods without having to cough up a fortune to banks. They’re planning a grand unveiling for the second half of 2026, and everyone’s wondering if it will be the new world order or just a very expensive funfair.
CEO Richard Teng, the man with the plan (and apparently, the legal team), went public on February 24. “We’re not just crypto wizards,” he declared, “we’re also legal eagles!” The exchange has officially challenged the WSJ’s report and sent a letter so spicy, it could make a habanero blush.
Altcoins? They were stuck in a holding pattern, like a toddler on a trampoline-uninspiring and full of potential. Meanwhile, XRP’s inflow shock was the equivalent of a gossip at a party: everyone’s listening, but no one knows what’s really going on.
Bitcoin, that darling of the digitally deluded, pushed back above $64,000 in early U.S. trading Tuesday, tracking a broader rebound in risk assets after several sessions of what can only be described as financial vaudeville.
At the hour of scribing, the altcoin had plummeted by 5.55%, a modest decline, one might think, but oh, the agony it wrought upon its holders, especially those who dared to leverage their fortunes! The trading volume, in a fit of hysteria, spiked by 61%, reaching a staggering $263 million. A spectacle, indeed, but one tinged with the bitter tears of HYPE enthusiasts.
Here’s a jurisdiction-by-jurisdiction breakdown of the most consequential moves. Prepare your tea, your patience, and your sense of irony.
In the quiet afterglow of a market day, Binance returns to an old game with the air of a man who thought the game long forgotten. The world spins, and the economy-like a girl at a ball-presents a new token, lightly minted, promising the old pleasures with a modern gloss.
The Ethereum Foundation, those wizards of the blockchain, have decided that decentralized finance needs a bit more… well, foundation. They’ve conjured up a new team, complete with fancy titles like “DeFi Protocol Specialist” (think wizard accountant) and “DeFi Coordinator” (chief spell checker for smart contracts). Their mission? To make DeFi as crypto-native as a dwarf is to beer, and as permissionless as a troll under a bridge.
Oh, the irony! While the price of the digital phoenix ascends, the U.S. premium remains a shadow of itself, a ghost haunting the corridors of Coinbase. What sorcery is this? The global market, ever the jester, laughs at the American investor’s hesitance, while the latter’s Google searches for “bitcoin zero” reach feverish heights. A nation of investors, it seems, has traded their faith for a cup of lukewarm tea, sipping on doubt as if it were the finest vintage.
