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Among the luminaries of this assembly, Bitcoin, that stalwart of the digital realm, rose 2% to a most respectable $116,000. Ethereum, ever the coquette, gained 6% to $3,900, while XRP, with a flourish most dramatic, soared 11% to $3.34. Yet, amidst this gaiety, PUMP, the native token of the Solana-based meme coin launchpad Pump.fun, remained a wallflower, its spirits unlifted by the general merriment, lingering at a modest $0.0033, up but 1% in the past 24 hours. 😔

Ah, the “Saylorization” trend-a term so grandiose, so laden with the weight of corporate hubris, it could only be birthed in the boardrooms of those who believe digital coins are the new gold. Block, alongside the likes of MicroStrategy and Twenty One Capital, marches forward, blind to the precipice, or perhaps, gleefully embracing it. 🤡

Picture this: In 2010, Bitcoin was worth less than the crumbs at the bottom of your snack drawer. Fast forward to today, and it’s sitting pretty at $116K after flirting with an all-time high of $123K. That’s like buying a paperclip and waking up to find out it’s now worth a private island. 🏝️ If you’d invested early, your ROI would be roughly 188,643,000%. Yes, that’s a number so large it makes your bank manager cry tears of joy-or despair.

The crypto community is buzzing like a bee on a sugar high. Is this Ripple’s fresh start? Or just another Larry David-level “what are the odds?” moment? 🤷‍♂️

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’re talking about the crypto world, where every day feels like a rollercoaster ride. 🎢

Meanwhile, the on-chain excitement continues to simmer-Ethereum’s active addresses have politely climbed to a rather impressive 658.6K on average over the past week. One might venture to say the market is quite eager for a bit of “action,” don’t you think? At $3,900 and edging ever closer to the coveted realm of price discovery, ETH’s momentum has historically been a herald of rallies in those more whimsical altcoins and meme tokens that, like uninvited guests at a ball, unexpectedly steal the spotlight.

Hung Jury on Major Counts: After days of deliberation-think longer than it takes to binge-watch an entire season-the jury couldn’t agree on whether Storm’s software was a clever tool or a criminal accomplice. Those charges carried the potential of twenty years behind bars, so no wonder they were indecisive. So, guess what? Those counts fizzled into a dead end.

The IMF and El Salvador’s government find themselves locked in a standoff more dramatic than a Wildean salon. While the former insists the nation’s bitcoin reserves haven’t grown since a $1.4 billion loan, the latter clings to the fiction of “purchases” with the fervor of a man who believes he’s discovered the elixir of youth in a bottle of cheap champagne. 🎩✨

First off, Trump’s put his pen to paper to stop banks from being their usual, picky selves. You know, the ones that deny you services if you’ve got a political opinion that doesn’t fit into their neat little box or if you’ve got some crypto in your wallet. It’s about time! The order directs regulators to stomp out unfair banking practices, and trust me, these banks aren’t going to like that. No more being refused service just because you’re in a minority, or maybe just because you’re not into their idea of what’s “normal.” 🏦

Now, you might think, “Well, that’s nice, but is it really that impressive?” Oh, but it is! According to the firm’s own records, this revenue marks a staggering 90.8% increase from the $104 million they raked in during the same period last year. And if that wasn’t enough to make your head spin, it also handily beats the analysts’ rather modest expectations of around $195 million. “This was the most successful quarter in CleanSpark’s history, and it reflects the strength of our strategy,” said CEO Zach Bradford, looking every bit the part of a modern-day digital alchemist.