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Icahn’s ultra-exclusive, “no outsiders allowed” fund has already lost 8.8% this year-because why ruin just one investor’s day when you can ruin your own over and over again?

Technically, there’s a tiresome descending trendline lurking at £3.40-rather like an ex at a cocktail party-but break above it and we’re off to £3.60, then the glittering £4, and finally the darling £5 we’ve all promised ourselves in our more… optimistic moments. Stranger things have happened; I once mislaid an entire villa in Ibiza, after all.

Reason the First: Tether, stablecoin emperor and champion of headlines, announced in July its intention to bid a theatrical adieu to BCH, alongside a curious parade of lesser-known blockchains-Omni Layer, Kusama, EOS, Algorand-all scheduled for extinction on September 1, 2025. Frozen tokens, minting halted, the works. Tether’s $156 billion liquidity, about as subtle as an elephant on ice skates, will tiptoe out, potentially relegating BCH to the stablecoin equivalent of sock puppet theater, and unleashing an existential crisis in its on-chain demand worthy of Dostoevsky.

This shelf registration means they can issue securities flexibly, without asking permission every time-like a teenager with a new credit card. The plan is to raise up to $4 billion via at-the-market offerings, selling stocks at the most convenient-read, most advantageous-moment. ThinkEquity, because why not have a fancy partner when playing with billions? 💳💼

According to the new Investment Bank Law, investment banks are now differentiated from traditional banks-because who needs savings accounts when you can gamble with Bitcoin? These banks can now design financial instruments like bonds and public-private partnerships-because why let regular people invest in anything?

The combined market cap of Shanghai and Shenzhen has officially burst through previous records, trading at a mind-blowing ¥95.98 trillion (that’s about $13.36 trillion, in case you’re wondering whether math is involved here). As of August 7th, it was like watching a financial fireworks show where the sky is the limit-except, in this case, the sky is more like the floor, since nobody quite knows where this bubble might pop, if at all.

Yet, whispers of skepticism linger like a bad odor at a dinner party. “UST 2.0?” some mutter, sipping their lukewarm espressos, as if the ghost of Terra’s collapse still lingers in the chatrooms. But let’s not spoil the fun just yet-after all, who doesn’t love a good financial rollercoaster?

Bitcoin’s Achilles’ heel has always been the disappointing 7 transactions per second (TPS). That’s less sprinter, more sloth, compared to Solana’s 1,183 and Ethereum’s sleepy 20.04 TPS. Yup, Bitcoin’s performance was grinding slower than a dial-up modem in a world obsessed with instant gratification. 🚀

On August 9, crypto whiz kid Ali Martinez decided to drop some breadcrumbs for the Internet, showing how BNB’s latest chart is less “humble pie” and more “Bitcoin’s secret recipe for sudden riches.” If you squint at the TradingView charts, you’ll see BNB playing dress-up in Bitcoin’s old bull-cycle clothes. Bitcoin, meanwhile, is parading around near $117,000, smashing through resistance levels like a raccoon at a campsite: $82,500, $95,000, $110,000 – all gobbled up.

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