Oh, darling, gather round! Wells Fargo’s über-CEO Charles Scharf is here to tell us everything’s tickety-boo with the U.S. economy, even as the Iran war rages on like a bad Tinder date gone nuclear. Pass the champagne, or is it more like a glass of “let’s hope this doesn’t age poorly”?
In a chat with Fox Business (because where else would you discuss global crises?), Scharf assured us that the economy is as robust as a spin class instructor on a caffeine high. Households? Spending like there’s no tomorrow (which, let’s face it, might be a valid strategy). Businesses? Thriving like a millennial’s avocado toast budget.
“The economy is still extremely strong,” he declared, presumably while adjusting his power tie. “Consumers are spending 20%, 30% more on oil, but they haven’t stopped splurging on, well, everything else. Delinquencies? Strong. Employment? Strong. Wages? Growing. It’s like the economy’s on a wellness retreat while the world burns.”
But, darling, there’s a catch (isn’t there always?). Scharf admits the economy’s fate hinges on how long this Iran war drags on. “Markets are nervous,” he said, “like a bridezilla before her wedding. If the war keeps going, it could all go pear-shaped. Or maybe not. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure.”
So, there you have it. The economy’s fine, unless it’s not. Thanks, Charles. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to stockpile wine and rewatch Bridget Jones’s Diary for the 47th time. Priorities, people.
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2026-04-06 10:22