Tokyo’s Top Man Blesses Digital Devilry! 😈💰

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And so it was, in the city of Tokyo, amidst the glass and steel that pierces the heavens, that a most curious sermon was delivered. The esteemed Finance Minister, Katsunobu Kato, a man whose face is a monument to fiscal solemnity, stood before the gathered acolytes of the new digital faith and uttered a heresy that would make a Swiss banker’s spectacles fog up. He spoke of ‘cryptographic assets’ not as a plague upon the modern economy, but as a legitimate ingredient for one’s investment broth! 🍜

According to the oracles at Bloomberg, who receive their revelations via electric whispers, the Minister, while acknowledging the wild, heart-attack-inducing swings of these spectral currencies, declared that with a sufficiently robust cage, they might be tamed. “They can become an option,” he pronounced, thereby granting a state-sanctioned nod to the collective delirium of a million keyboard warriors. One can only imagine the frantic scribbling in ledgers across the land.

“While these phantoms carry the risk of evaporating one’s savings before one can say ‘ramen’,” Kato essentially elaborated, “we shall, nevertheless, build them a very nice and sound playground.” And so, the government intends to focus on this sound environment, presumably with regulations woven from the finest bureaucratic silk.

The Taxman Cometh, But With a Smaller Club

In a related act of surreal benevolence, the nation’s Financial Services Agency, those legendary fun-spoilers, have apparently had a change of heart. They have requested that the government stop bludgeoning crypto gains as ‘miscellaneous income’-a category otherwise reserved for lottery winners and people who find rare coins-and instead tax them like stocks. A flat rate! A miracle! It seems even the sternest guardians of the yen have looked into the abyss of the blockchain and decided to plant a flag there. 🏴‍☠️

Betting the Rising Sun on a Digital Horse

The madness, dear reader, is contagious. A company called Metaplanet, which has bet its entire existence on the digital gold called Bitcoin, has been promoted in the stock indices like a middling bureaucrat receiving a new title. Meanwhile, the leviathans of Japanese finance, the SBIs and their ilk, are now feverishly shaking hands with every blockchain oracle, stablecoin issuer, and web3 charlatan they can find. They are building… something. Something involving ‘oracles’ and ‘stablecoins’-words that would have gotten one committed to an asylum just a decade ago. The FSA itself is now preparing to approve the issuance of yen-pegged phantoms. One can only sigh and watch as the entire apparatus of state plunges headfirst into the looking glass. 🇯🇵➡️🐇🕳️

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2025-08-25 15:15