Andrew Keys, co-founder of The Ether Machine (which sounds like a steampunk contraption that dispenses disappointment), has decided to grace us with his financial wisdom 🤓. Apparently, if you’d thrown your life savings into Ethereum instead of Bitcoin ten years ago, you’d now be rich enough to buy… well, more Ethereum. Riveting.
“The price of Ether per Bitcoin over the past decade has materially improved,” Keys announced on CNBC, presumably while adjusting his “I ♥ ETH” lapel pin. “You’d be 50x wealthier!” Later, on X (formerly Twitter), he sheepishly corrected this to 30x 🧮. Math is hard when you’re busy revolutionizing finance.
The Ether Machine plans to launch with 400,000 ETH, worth roughly $1.5 billion, making it the largest public vehicle for institutional Ethereum exposure. Translation: rich people will now lose money together 🎉.
When asked about Bitcoin, Keys scoffed: “I’d rather have an iPhone than a landline.” A flawless analogy, if you ignore the fact that landlines still work during power outages 📞. But who needs reliability when you have… vibes?
Apples, Oranges, and Financial Regret
Keys’ comparison is about as fair as pitting a Tesla against the Wright brothers’ plane ✈️. Bitcoin emerged in 2009, when “cryptocurrency” sounded like something you’d catch in a locker room. Ethereum arrived in 2015, by which time Bitcoin was already worth hundreds of dollars.
Ether’s 236,837% gain since then? Impressive! Bitcoin’s 234 million percent gain since 2010? Embarrassing for everyone who doubted it 🙃.
Recent performance isn’t kind to Keys’ thesis, either. Bitcoin is busy setting new all-time highs, while Ethereum remains 23% below its 2021 peak—languishing like a forgotten casserole at a potluck 🥘.
The Big SPAC Attack
The Ether Machine plans to go public via a SPAC merger, because nothing says “financial innovation” like a blank-check company 🎫. If all goes well, Nasdaq traders will soon be able to lose money more efficiently.
Bandwagon or Bust?
“Investors are rotating into Ethereum en masse,” declared Jeff Mei of BTSE, possibly while watching his own portfolio rotate into despair. “Momentum has shifted!” Or, you know, people just like buying things that haven’t mooned yet 🚀. Who can say?
Either way, Keys’ bet is clear: landlines are dead, iPhones rule, and Ethereum will… well, let’s check back in another decade 😉.
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2025-07-22 07:51