Fred Krueger, a former Wall Street quant who probably still wears a bow tie to meetings with hedge funds, has prophesied (in a tone both sardonic and sanguine) that the U.S. might one day spend its tariff revenue on Bitcoin, as if digital alchemy could cure the soul of a nation drowning in fiscal absurdity. Imagine, if you will, a world where the Treasury Department behaves like a 12-year-old with a Bitcoin mining rig and a credit card: “Just 400,000 coins this month, promise!”
Howard Lutnick, U.S. Commerce chief and fiscal tightrope walker with a penchant for paradox, once claimed tariffs could conjure $50 billion monthly. At today’s prices, this would buy enough Bitcoin to make Satoshi Nakamoto blush-or at least send him into a tizzy about market equilibrium. For context: 400,000 coins is roughly 21 times the daily output of a digital ant farm (19,000 new coins/day). A number so absurd it makes a black hole look like a pinprick.
Krueger, ever the intellectual tightrope artist, argues this could “break the power law,” a phrase he probably uttered while sipping espresso in a lab coat. The logic? Normal markets, with their quaint notions of supply and demand, would crumble under the weight of U.S. government buying pressure. It’s like throwing a toddler into a Michelin-starred restaurant and calling it a new cuisine.
Of course, the U.S. government buying Bitcoin sounds less like policy and more like a fever dream. In March, they announced a “strategic Bitcoin reserve,” a term that smells of bureaucratic jargon and seized coins. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, meanwhile, has oscillated between “we’re buying more” and “we’re not buying more” like a political yo-yo. His latest X post-budget-neutral pathways?-reads like a teenager begging for an allowance: “Just 5 more coins, Mom.”
And thus, the dance continues: tariffs, Bitcoin, and the eternal charade of fiscal responsibility. One can only wonder if the U.S. Treasury’s next fiscal experiment will involve NFTs or a government-run TikTok dance. 🐍💸
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2025-09-11 10:41