Shocking! US Gov’t Hides Bitcoin in Cold Storage – Here’s Why 🚨

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In a move as opaque as the corridors of the Kremlin, the so-called “clarification” has been issued, quashing whispers that the state had already liquidated its ill-gotten Bitcoin hoard or planned to sell it off like a desperate pawnshop owner. Lo and behold, Bitcoin continues its delicate waltz near those “psychological levels,” as if the market itself is holding its breath, waiting for the next bureaucratic decree.

Key takeaways:

  • The Bitcoin seized from Samourai Wallet remains untouched-like a sacred relic in a vault, though one wonders what exactly is being “preserved.”
  • Rather than auctioning it off, the feds will keep it on their balance sheet. A bold strategy, or a bureaucratic sleep aid?
  • Behold, the US Strategic Bitcoin Reserve is born. Because nothing says “economic stability” like a government-run crypto piggy bank. 🏦
  • This decision, they claim, reflects a “broader policy shift.” One might call it a pivot; others might call it a power grab dressed in jargon. 🤡

Bitcoin added to the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve

A “senior official” within the Trump administration-whose name will be forgotten by dawn-confirmed that the Department of Justice has verified the digital assets remain “intact.” Intact, indeed. Much like the dignity of a man who’s just been told his life’s work is now government property. This follows an executive order that redefined how “forfeited” assets are managed, allowing them to be hoarded rather than sold. A triumph of semantics over ethics, no doubt.

UPDATE: We’ve received confirmation from DOJ that the Samourai Wallet Bitcoin won’t be liquidated, per EO 14233. It will now sit pretty on the USG balance sheet, part of the SBR. A modern-day gold standard, if gold were a meme. 🐘

– Patrick Witt (@patrickjwitt)

Rather than converting the Bitcoin into dollars, the government will transfer it to the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve-a term that sounds like it was coined by a committee of overcaffeinated interns. This removes the holdings from “standard liquidation procedures,” positioning them as “long-term reserves.” One can almost hear the sound of bureaucrats clinking their imaginary champagne glasses. 🥂

At the time of this “confirmation,” Bitcoin traded around $94,960, with a market cap nearing $1.9 trillion. A staggering figure, though it pales in comparison to the staggering incompetence that got us here. Daily trading volume? Over $34 billion. A number so large it could make a mathematician weep. And now, the government claims to treat this as a “strategic holding.” How very 21st-century.

Policy implications extend beyond the case

Though this particular Bitcoin was seized from Samourai Wallet, the implications stretch like a never-ending red tape. This sets a precedent, dear reader, for future digital asset seizures. Forfeited Bitcoin may now be treated as a “sovereign reserve asset,” a phrase that drips with Orwellian euphemism. No longer is it a “disposable byproduct of enforcement”-now it’s a cornerstone of national policy. How times change.

This decision aligns with the Trump administration’s “broader shift” toward recognizing Bitcoin’s “strategic value.” By choosing retention over liquidation-despite Bitcoin hovering near all-time highs-the US government signals a “reassessment” of digital assets in national reserves. Or, as some might say, a slow-motion trainwreck disguised as fiscal responsibility. 🚂💨

The information herein serves only to educate, not to advise. Coindoo.com neither endorses nor recommends any investment strategy, Bitcoin or otherwise. Consult a financial advisor-preferably one who hasn’t been bought by the system. 🤝

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2026-01-17 10:21