Ripple’s Daring Demands: Brad Garlinghouse Sets the Senate Ablaze with Wit and Crypto Sass

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The XRP lawsuit, that interminable legal minuet, is—astonishingly—waltzing towards its final bars. Ripple has cast off its cross-appeal like last season’s hat, and now, all of us (and our beleaguered solicitors) simply await the SEC’s official retreat. Should that rare event arise, this grudging legal opera might close in mere days or, heaven forfend, weeks. At long last, regulatory clarity glimmers on the horizon, and XRP’s future—a previously fogbound affair—is positively radiant with promise. Champagne, anyone? 🥂

Brad Garlinghouse, Ripple’s ever-dapper CEO, is striding into the Senate today, sleeves rolled up, gaze fixed squarely on “clarity.” His full oration, conveniently pre-released (because who doesn’t love a spoiler), has all the élan of a Noël Coward curtain-raiser.

My full testimony for the hearing is available here:

— Brad Garlinghouse (@bgarlinghouse) July 8, 2025

In this page-turner of a testimony, Brad waxes lyrical about Ripple’s decade-long—some might say Sisyphean—quest for an “Internet of Value,” where dosh dashes about as effortlessly as a society gossip. He dons his “compliance-first” cravat with pride, fluttering not one, but over sixty regulatory licenses, and boasting an ongoing pas de deux with financial watchdogs.

Ripple vs. SEC: A Legal Duel About to Lose Its Drama

Brad, ever the pragmatic peacock, insists that wise crypto regulation should coddle the genteel consumer, keep the blackguards at arm’s length, ensure market maypoles are festooned with proper oversight—while still leaving room, of course, for clever chaps and chapesses to revolutionise things. He dryly notes that regulatory dithering has driven innovation and jobs off to more congenial shores (Paris, perhaps?), and reminds us that Ripple became the SEC’s debutante lawsuit in 2020. What a season that was!

Brad’s Three Pearls of Congressional Wisdom

After four years of legal sabre-rattling, a landmark: the court declared XRP is not a security. Cue confetti, fainting spells, and the popping of a thousand crypto-corked bottles. Brad proclaims this as a win for Ripple, yes—but truly, for the bewildered entire U.S. crypto industry. Bravo, darling!

Undaunted by the regulatory ballet, Ripple keeps courting lawmakers, demanding rules with at least the clarity of a well-mixed martini. Brad’s trio of priorities for Congress: First, please, someone define financial watchdog turf—let’s not have the SEC and CFTC dueling in the salon. Second, create a safe runway for bold American innovation. Third, chart a plan so the U.S. can swan about as global crypto’s belle of the ball.

Brad avers, with all the gravitas of a Broadway baritone, that the U.S. has “all it takes” to lead the blockchain soiree: 55 million Americans dabbling in crypto, a market cap that makes old money swoon, and a regulatory framework that’s been “coming soon” for longer than most Broadway revivals. About time, wouldn’t you say? 🎩

CLARITY, Darling: Brad’s Rallying Cry

He encourages the Senate—nay, beseeches them—to deliver the crypto market structure bill (affectionately known as The CLARITY Act) from the purgatory of indecision. Such a move would unleash a deluge of innovation, much to the delight of consumers, businesses, and the occasional billionaire. Rest assured, Ripple is ever-ready to lend a hand, a quip, or a signed copy of Brad’s testimony.

Tomorrow, July 10th, the SEC convenes behind closed doors—presumably to gossip, plot, and, if rumor mills whirl true, bring this legal melodrama to final curtain. Place your bets and fetch the popcorn. 🍿

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2025-07-09 10:11