Ripple to Gemini: “Mate, You’ve Had a Sh*t Year. Here’s $150m. Try Not to Spaff It.”

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Excuse me, the financial universe just slipped on a banana peel and landed face-first in crypto confetti: Ripple-yes, the good-ol’ “we’re absolutely not a security, your honour” people-has cosied up to Gemini so tightly you’d think they were sharing a pint and regrettable tattoos. The punch-line? Said cosiness is a credit line the SEC filing faintly describes as, “No biggie, just up to $150 million if you ask nicely.” 🙃

In Which Two Exes Decide to Swap IOUs and Pretend It’s a Date

According to the filing (a lo-fi thriller written in Acrobat), Ripple tied the knot back in July, granting Gemini the magical power to tug its sleeve and whisper, “Oi, lend us five million?” whenever it fancies-up to $75 mil to start, then “maybe more, love, if you hit the gym and stop hemorrhaging cash.” The absolute roof is $150 million, after which Gemini must pay Ripple back in RLUSD, Ripple’s own stable plaything-because nothing screams trust like paying your dealer in the currency they just printed. 💸

Collateral? You bet. Somewhere there’s a vault of hardware wallets shaking like chihuahuas in a thunderstorm. Interest clocks in at 6.5-8.5% APR, payable in actual dollars because Ripple apparently likes its irony medium-rare. Parts of the doc are redacted harder than Boris’s WhatsApps, but we do know Gemini’s already taken a dip in Ripple’s wallet. Result: Gemini looks like a middle-aged rock band, dodging eviction notices while teasing stadium tickets.

(And yes, they’re $282 million down just this half-year-basically setting dollar bills on fire for TikTok vibes. 🤘)

A confused chart of Ripple’s valuation oscillating like it’s on a Netflix oscilloscope drama

Coming Soon to Nasdaq: “$GEMI-an IPO Prescription for Optimism & Paracetamol”

Having secured Ripple’s pity loan, Gemini is strutting toward the IPO like it remembers how to walk in heels. They’ll heave some Class A shares onto Nasdaq under ticker “GEMI,” because nothing anchors brand identity like a cute, fully trademarkable nickname. Price per share? Mum’s the word. Quantity? Schrödinger’s prospectus. Lead bookrunners Goldman & Citi are polishing PowerPoints as we speak, and Morgan Stanley’s lurking in the credit orgy just in case this turns into a Netflix miniseries finale. 🍿

Gemini licked its chops after scrolling Bullish’s $1.15B haul-proof that TradFi investors will still RSVP if you promise artisanal volatility. Bottom line: the next time someone tells you the crypto winter’s brutal, remind them it’s warm enough to hand out nine-figure blankets while losing triple-digit millions. How very 2025.

A line graph that resembles a cardiogram, because IPO euphoria is basically arrhythmia

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2025-08-20 15:11