The monthly MACD, once a beacon of hope, has turned traitor. Its bearish crossover-a signal so ominous it could make a fortune teller weep-has heralded calamity before. Recall 2022, when this very omen sent ADA spiraling 81% into the abyss. Analyst Ali Martinez, our modern-day prophet of doom, chirps: “This time, it’s only dropped 32%! Progress?” 🎩🦺
The price targets of Bitcoin, like the aspirations of the human soul, diverge ever more, as frustration mounts in the absence of a decisive breakthrough, a moment that seems perpetually out of reach. 📉📈
Right. So, the crypto world is bracing itself for a “massive structural reset” on Friday. Which, if we’re being honest, sounds vaguely threatening. It involves a frankly terrifying amount of money-$23.6 billion in Bitcoin options and $3.8 billion in Ether options-all expiring on something called “Deribit”. It’s like someone decided to play Monopoly with the global economy. 🤷♀️
Gold has ballooned beyond $4,400-yes, really-thanks to everyone and their dog rushing to buy it during these wacky times. With Russia, Ukraine, and Venezuela causing a bit of a fuss, folks are clutching their golden nuggets like they’re the last chocolate in the box. And with the U.S. starting to cool its inflation jets, everyone is dreaming of interest rates starting to fall in 2026, as if the economy is on a merry-go-round and gold’s holding the reins.
I’d say the best place to catch a user is where they already are-probably doomscrolling on WhatsApp or Discord. 📱 UXLINK’s trick? Mirroring your Web2 gangs in a crypto-shell without tossing out the familiar. Because who wants to learn a new chat interface when you could just recycle your old-bot Contacts? 🚀 This “wine in a new bottle” strategy whispers, “We’ve added crypto… eventually,” while promising comfort. You start with chats, end up with assets, and nod at the “January Coin” phenomenon. 😆
Instead of descending into the usual legislative panic and declaring all things digital to be inherently evil, they’re opting for… practicality? Imagine! The sheer audacity! The bill, it seems, acknowledges that the existing tax code, penned long before anyone dreamed of “blockchain,” is about as useful for crypto as a chocolate teapot. ☕ The aim, they proclaim, is to make things… easier. For whom, one wonders? Certainly not the IRS. They rather enjoy a good headache.
In an episode reminiscent of Gogol’s “The Nose”, where a nose strays from its owner, so does Bitcoin from the confinements of fiscal propriety. “Its scarcity is akin to hermitage, where even central banks are too shy to make amorous advances due to its myriad ailments,” Dalio purrs with distaste, his words coated in finesse.
With the holidays upon us, we thought, “Why not ask some brainy AIs what they think?” Because nothing says festive cheer like algorithms predicting financial doom or glory. Will PI bounce back like a rubber ball, or will it continue its descent into the abyss, taking investors’ dreams with it? Let’s find out!
While the Fed calls this routine business-just another Tuesday, if you will-crypto investors are rubbing their hands in glee, interpreting it as a sign that the risk assets might just throw a party. 🎉
“These new payment accounts will support innovation while keeping the system safe,” said Fed Governor Christopher Waller, who clearly hasn’t seen a spreadsheet in decades. October brought his suggestion to let the Fed “explore” these accounts, because nothing says “urgent” like a bureaucratic game of hot potato. 🕺