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On the 3rd day of July—mark it, trembling future scribes—messengers appeared with news: $28.5 million, not in chickens nor borscht, but hard cash, gathered in the velvet purse called Series A, with Ribbit Capital hoisting the banner and Pantera Capital riding the coattails. The Open Platform, suddenly a unicorn (not, alas, the kind to graze in Kozak Ivan’s meadows), now prances atop the TON ecosystem’s heap, with nary a horn out of place.

As usual, the market priests cannot agree. Some run up to the parapet and proclaim a “bullish reversal!” with visions of $0.70 or even the celestial $0.72. Meanwhile, dour-eyed skeptics mumble about on-chain omens — disappearing wallets, rivers of ADA fleeing exchanges. Frankly, the scene resembles a séance, not an analyst’s meeting.

At the time of writing, BTC was trading at $109,919 after gaining 2.04% in the last 24 hours, but active addresses remain stuck around 850,000 – a level last seen when BTC hovered near $16,000 in 2022 📉.

BPH service providers, you see, are the sort of chaps who sell access to internet infrastructures that allow cybercriminals, including ransomware actors, personal information stealers, and illegal drug vendors, to evade detection and disruption of their nefarious activities. It’s a bit like renting a castle to a gang of highwaymen, really. 🏰

In a press release on July 3, Nasdaq-listed Nano Labs confirmed it had purchased 74,315 BNB (BNB) tokens in an over-the-counter (OTC) deal, paying an average price of $672.45 per token.

The proposed solution? A sparkling de minimis exemption. Imagine: Digital asset transactions and capital gains of $300 or less given a pardon worthy of New Year’s Eve. Not to mention a rather generous $5,000 annual exemption cap—because even the IRS knows one must leave room for a little fun. 💃

Riot Platforms (RIOT), Hive Digital (HIVE), Hut 8 (HUT8), MARA Holdings (MARA), and Bitfarms (BITF) have all seen gains between 13% and 28% over the past four trading sessions. 🎉 Meanwhile, VanEck’s Digital Transformation ETF, which tracks an index of 24 publicly listed digital asset firms, rose by as much as 3.2% on Thursday. 📈

This, dear reader, is no mere parlor trick. Infused with the solemnity of a czar’s decree and the ingenuity of a tipsy clerk at his abacus, KuCoin’s copy trading flings open the doors to all—pro, tyro, and the luckless in between. Does one not yearn for a life where one’s rubles, nay, crypto, are multiplied not by toil but by the cunning of others? With the Supernova Program beside it, KuCoin does not simply toss a bone to traders—it invites them to a banquet of possibilities, with only a modest risk of food poisoning.

DeFi Development Corp (a name that practically screams, “We wanted something with synergy!”) is making headlines with its quest to raise $100 million. How? Not by passing the hat at Thanksgiving, but via a private offering of convertible senior notes that mature in 2030. If you’re not familiar, convertible notes are basically IOUs with commitment issues. One minute they’re debt, next minute—bam!—they’re equity, like a mullet but for corporate finance.

“The authorities of the UAE have informed the Netherlands that they have arrested a suspect in the context of an ongoing criminal investigation. The man was wanted internationally for involvement in large-scale fraud surrounding the alleged gambling platform ZKasino,” the local authorities’ press release claimed.