GBPJPY

“Our altcoin model remains steadfast-short Ether, long Bitcoin,” trilled Markus Thielen of 10x Research, as though he’d discovered the secret to eternal youth.

The company reaffirmed its full-year guidance of $34 billion in operating income and $20 billion in Bitcoin gains, solidifying its position as the world’s largest corporate Bitcoin holder. Or, as the ancient Romans would say, “Sic transit gloria mundi” – but with more zeroes. 💸

This diplomatic ballet was supposedly in exchange for China agreeing to take a break from its export controls on those pesky rare earth minerals-used in everything from your latest smartphone to military gear-so basically, a trade deal with a wink and a handshake. If only the markets believed in the fairy tale, but alas, skepticism remains the loyal court jester. 📉

Yet here we are, again, as the noble institution Jump Crypto, with the subtlety of a drunkard’s stumble, offloaded 1.1 million SOL ($205 million) for Bitcoin, that “digital gold” now trading at $107,520. Their Bitcoin hoard? A mere 2,455 BTC ($265 million), acquired with the swiftness of a man fleeing a burning tavern. One cannot help but chuckle at the irony: selling Solana’s “future” for Bitcoin’s “past.”

Important fine print: This fund won’t help if you get scammed, panic-sell into a bear market, or accidentally delete your wallet. But hey, it’s here for when they mess up! 🙃

Apparently, the institutional crowd has gone from skeptics to outright fans overnight. These cryptocurrencies are now considered serious contenders-seriously-competing with the big boys like Bitcoin and Ethereum. The market’s playing a game of “Who’s the shiniest?” and XRP and Solana are waving from the top of the heap, probably with a little smirk. 🧐

These fees-what users cough up for trades, swaps, game subscriptions, and other digital mischief-are supposedly the ‘fuel’ of this miracle. Yet, don’t forget-2025 probably won’t topple the $24.1 billion record set in the glorious chaos of 2021. Oh well, they say growth since 2020’s lazy crawl is over ten times, with a growth rate of roughly 60% a year-because why not pump up the numbers? 😏

The rebranding, a theatrical flourish 🎭, did little to halt the long-term descent. Vaulta, now trading under the name A, has been drifting like a dachshund in a hurricane-losing value against BTC. Such weakness whispers of market confidence: “Ah, yes, I’m here, but I’m very underwhelmed.”

The aggregate worth of the crypto estates hath likewise plummeted five percent in the selfsame span, lingering at a mere £3.6 trillions as we pen this dispatch. The lesser lights of the altcoin society-Ethereum (ETH), Solana (SOL), that whimsical Dogecoin (DOGE), the steadfast Cardano (ADA), and the enigmatic XRP-have suffered most grievously, as if snubbed at Almack’s. 💔

One might think such macro easing would ignite a party in risk assets. Instead, Bitcoin-our digital darling-dipped 6% from its Monday high of a staggering $116,000, as if traders had already finished their tea and knew the punchline. The rate cut? Expected. The long-term outlook? As murky as a London fog. 😵‍💫