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When Russia invaded Ukraine on Feb. 24, 2022, Bitcoin dropped fast (about 8% in hours), falling to roughly $34,300, its lowest in over a month. Stock markets were tumbling, too, and investors were rushing to sell anything considered risky. Then, surprisingly, Bitcoin roared back. Just four days later, it had its biggest one-day jump in over a year, climbing 14.5%. By early March, it was trading 12% higher than before the invasion, and by late March, about 27% higher, near $47,000.

The rooftop escapade happened on a Thursday night, the sort of night when roof slates gleam like newly minted satoshis. Our Bitcoin-shoveling anti-hero, allegedly the secret Santa who stuffed 468 BTC (≈ $45 000 000 in earthly rubles) into the Minister of Justice’s digital stocking, was spotted capering like a goat atop his house. Why climb roofs when you already live in them, you ask? 🤷‍♂️

Crypto exchanges these days are basically Tinder dates: all promise, no follow-through, ghost you when the bill comes. After the FTX fiasco, every platform’s like “we’re secure”-sure, Jan. Flipster at least brings receipts and ISO certificates, so my therapist will have one less thing to discuss.

This year has been a rollercoaster for the crypto market, with ETH plummeting to a mere $1,400 and SOL scraping the bottom at $100. But fear not, dear readers, for within a few months, these tokens have soared with triple-digit gains, proving that in crypto, patience is indeed a virtue… or perhaps just a lack of better options. 🤷‍♂️

In this rather amusing segment, Yusko quips about “the XRP army” before cheekily admitting, “I might’ve said that XRP is a scam… and I actually kind of stand by it.” Oh, the audacity! He then goes on to explain that price increases are more about the number of buyers than any actual improvement in functionality. “It just means that, you know, there’s more buyers than sellers. So the price rises,” he mused, as if he were discussing the weather rather than a multi-billion dollar asset. ☔️

What shocking folly has gripped the denizens of crypto, you ask? Yes, indeed, the whining and whimpering of our beloved investors rings out across the ether. An unprecedented bottleneck-an exit queue longer than the last line to a popular theater on opening night! And alas, there we find 808,880 ETH chained to the floor, worth a staggering $3.7 billion, trapped in what can only be described as the great Ethereum exit escapade. Outrageous! How dare this network impose such epochs upon us? 🕰️

In a tweet that could rival the drama of a Shakespearean soliloquy, BPI India declared, “Now is the time for financial freedom!” Ah, noble words indeed! But what does this mean? Apparently, India is tired of playing second fiddle to global economic powers and wants to take the reins of its destiny-using Bitcoin, of course. Imagine Gandhi spinning khadi, but instead, he’s mining Bitcoin with solar panels. 🪙🌞

In the last day, DOGE price wobbled between $0.2181 and $0.2451, proving once again that volatility is its middle name. Or maybe its therapist. This dip comes as global markets collectively decided to have a “risk-off” mood, thanks to a hotter-than-expected U.S. Producer Price Index reading. Translation: inflation is being a bit of a drama queen, and the Federal Reserve isn’t handing out rate cuts like candy anymore. Investors? They’re running for the hills faster than you can say “to the moon.” 🌕

Despite touting its community-driven ambitions and a user base larger than the population of some countries (over 60 million, if you’re curious), signs of abandonment are growing. Could this be the beginning of the end for the network? Only time-and a bit of logic-will tell.

In a dramatic turn of events, Binance’s open interest crashed like my self-esteem after a bad date, plummeting by 5% in just a few hours. Clearly, traders decided that staying in their positions required an irrational level of optimism. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t going to end well. 🙈