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Turns out, the stock and crypto markets are as fickle as a cat in a room full of laser pointers. The U.S. inflation data for December was about as exciting as watching paint dry-but in a good way! Prices rose slower than a sloth on a Sunday, giving everyone hope that the Federal Reserve might finally take a breather. 🧘♂️ Economists had their calculators out, but the numbers still came in slightly below forecasts. Who knew inflation could be so… underwhelming?

At the moment of our curtain draw, about 12:10 p.m. Eastern on Jan. 13, XMR doth trade at $661 per coin after a fleeting caress of $692 an hour ere. 🕰️💹

In but the first two days, these assets attracted a dazzling $1.5 billion, as if they were the toast of the town. Yet, just like that one friend who always oversells their vacation stories, the market sharply reversed its charms. 🥴

The Bureau of Labor Statistics [BLS] delivered its verdict: annual inflation clings stubbornly to 2.7%, like a bad cold. Price pressures, once a raging fever, now simmer at a level that whispers, “Perhaps a rate cut is… possible?” Meanwhile, core CPI (excluding food and energy) inched up 0.2% monthly, proving that inflation is as sticky as a politician’s smile. 🤷‍♂️

On the fateful day of January 13, as the moon hung low in the digital sky, CZ took to the platform X (formerly known as Twitter, where birds once sang) to decry the madness. “My jokes,” he declared, with a sigh befitting a tragic hero, “are but the idle musings of a man, not the blueprints for meme coins!” Yet, lo and behold, the masses, ever eager to dance to the piper’s tune, hath transformed his jests into tokens of folly. 🌪️💰

Enter Donald Trump, mic in hand, ready to roast Fed Chair Jerome Powell like a Thanksgiving turkey. For 18 months, he’s been screaming, “CUT THE RATES, JEROME!” Now, with CPI as his new BFF, he’s back with a vengeance. “You’re too late!” he yells. “Cut the interest rates, MEANINGFULLY!!!” (Note: Capitalization is for emphasis; probably doesn’t mean “use a thesaurus.”)

Bitcoin has skyrocketed to a jaw-dropping 105 billion Rials in Iran-because why not add a little more chaos to an already turbulent economic landscape? The Rial has lost 96% of its value in less time than it takes to binge-watch a Netflix series, leaving citizens scrambling to protect their hard-earned cash with digital currencies.

The US Senate, in a masterclass of bureaucratic theater, postponed its markup meeting from Jan. 15 to January’s last gasp. John Boozman, Agriculture Committee chairman and a man who probably believes bipartisanship is a type of kale, affirmed:

The ETP, in an effort reminiscent of a well-ordered English garden, employs a monthly rebalance strategy based on volatility-because why not complicate matters when one can? This ingenious plan aims to capture Bitcoin’s potential for explosive growth while clinging desperately to gold’s reassuring solidity like a child clutching a teddy bear in a thunderstorm. 🌩️

Oh, the all-time high! Predictable as a drought, and just as welcome. Crowds stampeded, FOMO gnawing their ankles like a pack of feral prairie dogs. “Quick! Someone sell us privacy before the sheriff audits our pockets!” 🚨