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Oh, dear reader, do not be fooled by this unholy spawn of deception. An email, bearing the mark of “Exodus Wallet,” crawls through inboxes like a venomous serpent. Its message—well-crafted and laced with an air of urgency—attempts to awaken panic within the souls of its victims, urging them to “keep their wallets active” lest they face an impending doom. But, take heed, for this is but a ruse. A mere scare tactic, if you will.

Of course, this little snack set off alarms across the Solana network, and traders everywhere were like, “Wait, who’s the new kid at the crypto lunch table?” Everyone was scrambling to figure out who was behind this massive transfer and why it mattered. 🕵️‍♀️

PI continues its downward spiral, with the looming threat of a deeper plunge as exchange balances swell by millions of coins.

Last Friday, the PBOC announced its intention to spread the gospel of financial innovation, à la Shanghai Free Trade Zone, to the rest of the country. Ji Min, the head of the PBOC’s Research Bureau, proclaimed that the “Shanghai model” will be replicated nationwide, because what could possibly go wrong with a plan named after a city that’s essentially a giant construction site? 🏗️

In his latest YouTube video, crypto analyst Lark Davis explains how upcoming spot ETFs for major altcoins like XRP, Solana, Litecoin, Dogecoin, Cardano, Sui, and Aptos could trigger a massive market surge. 🚀

This… thing has gained over 85% in the past 7 days and 209% in the last 30 days. I guess that’s impressive if you’re into that sort of thing. And it’s not like it has any real utility or intrinsic value, but hey, who needs that when you’ve got hype? 🚀

Now, Renaissance Life gets fancy with its product, wrapped under the quirky name of “Cryptocapital.” It starts at a mere 1.5 million rubles and lasts two whole years, during which it promises not just a piece of the potential Bitcoin pie, but also full principal protection. That’s right! If the market crumbles faster than you can say “cryptocurrency crash,” your investment is snug as a bug in a rug. And what’s life without a little upside? It’s like a hedge fund and a safety deposit box had a baby! 🎢

According to the esteemed crypto chartist, Ali Martinez, DOGE is poised for a 50% price jump, catapulting it to the dizzying heights of $0.24 💥. But, as with all things in life, there’s a catch – DOGE must stay above the precipice of $0.16, lest the whole house of cards comes crashing down 🃏.

Pseudonymous analyst Credible Crypto, who boasts a following of 468,800 on X, believes that Bitcoin is on the brink of a jaw-dropping breakout from its current trading range.

Mortier, visibly juggling his sense of irony, told Reuters that the bill’s name — the GENIUS Act — may turn out to be about as well-chosen as calling your hamster Beefcake. “It could be genius — or it could be evil,” he noted, presumably before spinning in his chair and laughing maniacally. The root of his concern? Turning the dollar digital and bolting it (with heroic enthusiasm) to a pile of U.S. Treasuries could make it less Atlas and more Humpty Dumpty.