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By the cursed code of the charts-oh, those treacherous candlesticks!-Bitcoin’s saga reveals a five-wave impulse stretching back to early 2023, cresting at a lofty $126,000 in October 2025. But alas, such peaks are fleeting illusions! Now, it plays out a corrective dance-ABC-like a tragic hero staggering on the brink. According to the so-called Elliot Wave-an arcane doctrine of market fate-Bitcoin has already fallen sharply from its imagined summit, from the dizzying heights near $125,000 down to the gloomy low-$80,000s. And yet, in the madness of hope, it might still soar-briefly-to a tempting $100,000 or more-just enough to lure the unsuspecting into even deeper despair. How cruel! ⚰️

A major shift in U.S. crypto regulation is moving closer as executive action appears increasingly likely. U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chair Paul Atkins has stated that he expects President Donald Trump to sign bipartisan market structure legislation in the coming months, a step that would advance long-sought regulatory clarity for digital asset markets. 🧠

Walter Bloomberg (not the real one, obviously) says Ethereum might outperform Bitcoin. Because, you know, who needs actual proof when you have a bank’s opinion? 📉📈

Behold, the U.S. spot Bitcoin ETFs, those glittering baubles of Wall Street’s latest obsession, gobbled up $753.7 million in inflows, as if the public had collectively forgotten the meaning of “bubbles.” Fidelity, Bitwise, and BlackRock, those titans of mediocrity, paraded their contributions with the pride of a toddler showing off a mud pie. Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve, that bumbling court jester, blinked and missed its chance to raise rates-how convenient for those who’ve long argued Bitcoin is just a “store of value.”

This decision doth lift a two-year cloud, as oppressive as a London fog, from Zcash’s fair name.

France, ever the dramatic host, has decided to put the boot to 90 crypto firms, all while the MiCA clock ticks ominously towards July. A grand spectacle of regulatory theatrics, if you will. 🎭

XRP (XRP) now confronts a crossroads of critical levels, where technical analysis-those arcane rituals of crypto enthusiasts-dictates its next move. A drama of epic proportions unfolds. 🎭

Dear reader, 2025 was a year where crypto liquidity arrived in a limo but parked it outside BTC and ETH’s mansion, leaving altcoins to host a garden party with no guests. According to Wintermute’s 2025 annual report, capital pooled like champagne at a gala-lavish for the majors, lukewarm for the rest. 🥂

Crypto Patel, a man with a chart sharper than a pickpocket’s knife, claims BTC’s busted through a resistance level like a bull through a barn door. That $94K wall had been holdin’ it down like a noose for two months. Now it’s climbin’ like a greased pole, suggestin’ some folks are buyin’ with the vigor of a man who just won the lottery… and forgot his umbrella.

Bitdeer Technologies Group, a company that somehow manages to sound both futuristic and suspiciously like a typo, reported 71 EH/s under management by December’s end. This figure, if believed, would position them ahead of MARA Holdings Inc.-a feat akin to a toaster beating a supercomputer at chess. 🥣♟️