Fed Governor Chris Waller, with the enthusiasm of a man who’s just discovered the concept of “relaxation,” has hinted that further rate cuts are not only permissible but positively essential. His reasoning? The U.S. labor market, he claims, is as robust as a wet match. Job growth, he says, is “very soft,” which, in Wodehousean terms, means it’s about as exciting as a tax audit.
Last month, JPMorgan unveiled its blockchain-based dollars, the JPM Coin (JPMD), which are basically digital IOUs backed by real bank funds. And get this-they can earn interest! Take that, stablecoins. Under the GENIUS Act, stablecoin issuers can’t offer interest directly, but JPMorgan’s like, “Hold my martini 🍸.”
Apparently, some genius breached a whale multisig wallet this week. Shocking, I know. Who could’ve guessed that putting all your eggs in one digital basket might end badly? 🤦♂️
They’ve teamed up with LayerZero, which sounds suspiciously like something out of a low-budget sci-fi film, to build a ‘cross-chain bridge.’ This isn’t a physical bridge, naturally. That would be far too sensible. It’s more of a digital teleportation device for your little digital shares. They claim over 100 tokenized bits of US stocks & ETFs can now hop between Ethereum and BNB Chain. It’s like digital Pac-Man, but with slightly more at stake. 👻
So, a crypto whale just got absolutely rinsed-$27.3 million vanished faster than my motivation on a Monday. Turns out, someone leaked a private key (classic), and the attacker went full Ocean’s Eleven, laundering $12.6 million through Tornado Cash like they were laundering socks. 🧦
According to analyst Bull Theory (yes, that’s their name, not a new energy drink), Bitcoin is taking a nosedive because selling pressure is stronger than my willpower around a plate of cookies. 🍪💔 “China’s mining crackdown is back, baby!” they quipped, probably while sipping a latte. ☕️
This “comprehensive guidance,” birthed from the depths of the Division of Trading and Markets, aims to enlighten (or perhaps further confuse) broker-dealers, transfer agents, and the poor souls operating these “trading platforms” regarding the handling of these digital phantoms. A roadmap, they say. More like a convoluted map leading directly into the abyss.
This 5.6% nosedive of Bitcoin has sent shivers down the spines of investors, already teetering on the edge of anxiety. In such a climate, NEAR traders have had little choice but to don their bear suits, ready for a gloomy trek through the market’s murky waters.
Trustlessness? Yeah, right. A protocol that’s so complex only a few can work on it? That’s not trustless, that’s just a fancy way of saying, “Trust us, we’re the only ones who know what’s going on.” 🧠
Metaplanet, the Tokyo-based firm that’s basically the crypto version of a superhero, has won over Norway’s $2T fund with a series of proposals that sound like they were written by a group of very serious hedgehogs. Unanimous support? More like unanimous confusion. 🤷♂️