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2025: a year when the Web3 security realm, that delicate edifice of haste and hubris, crumbled under the weight of its own appetites. The Cyvers report, a tome of dread, tallied not just numbers but stories, for every dollar is a tragedy in disguise. $15.87 billion-yes, that abominable sum-was not stolen in heists of steel and shadow, but in whispers, in polite chases through 4.29 million transactions. The criminal, you see, wears a suit and a smile. 😈

Key takeaways, or rather, the crumbs left for the curious:

The relief was palpable, like finding a cold beer in the fridge on a hot day. For weeks, whispers swirled that the U.S. had already flipped the Samourai Bitcoin, a move that would’ve sent markets into a tailspin. But no-Patrick Witt, the wizard of crypto transparency, dropped the truth: the coins stay put. Why? Because Executive Order 14233 says so. Now that’s a policy as clear as mud. 🤡

And through it charged the altcoins, or at least the ones not held together by duct tape and Discord hype. The market cap, minus Ethereum [ETH], swelled by $82.56 billion-call it a 9.97% barnstorm. Sounds like a revival meetin’, doesn’t it? But hold your horses. 🐎

Canada and China, once estranged by oceans and ideological inconveniences, are now locked in a passionate embrace. The U.S., previously the awkward third wheel, has been unceremoniously booted from the carriage.

Key takeaways:

It was to improve liquidity and efficiency, you understand. Efficiency for whom, one might ask? Certainly not for the honest citizen trying to secure his meager savings. No, it’s for those with a penchant for digital skullduggery, building their nefarious empires on a foundation of cryptographic promises. They’re making their infrastructure more resilient, you see. Resilient to justice, most likely.

Well slap my knee and call me surprised! Axiom’s rolling out what might be the first prediction market on the XRP Ledger-like a fortune-teller waltzing into a cash bazaar. The beta drops January 19, giving folks a chance to bet on the future using XRP and RLUSD (Ripple’s steady coin). And wouldn’t you know it-they’re not bothering with new tokens, just sticking to their proven old favorites. Because why mess with the classics, right? 🎩

In a land where the winds of change blow as rarely as a honest word from a bureaucrat, Belarus now aspires to be the Eastern European beacon for the crypto faithful. A lofty goal, indeed, for a nation whose financial system has long been a monument to stagnation.

Monero (XMR), that elusive minstrel of the crypto world, climbed to $798, a 713% ascent from its 2023 nadir. Its market cap, now a corpulent $12 billion, places it 12th in the grand circus of digital coins. 🎪 Yet, who can say if this is the peak or merely a resting place on the way to greater heights?