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Enter Smitty, the humble scribe of digital gold, who has devised a model — a strange contraption— claiming that most folk across the earth will need less than a whole Bitcoin, a mere slice of the digital cake, for their twilight years in 2035. But those bold enough to retire this very year might find themselves reaching for between one and ten, as if treasure chests were suddenly filling with tiny bitcoins instead of gold coins. Or so he says, amid the calculations based on income, inflation, and a touch of mathematical wizardry — you know, the usual wizardry of modern men.

Galaxy Digital claims this sale was part of some fancy “legacy planning” for an investor who hopped aboard the Bitcoin train back when Satoshi himself was still handing out free samples. But wait! Crypto sleuth extraordinaire Ki Young Ju, CEO of CryptoQuant, decided to poke his nose into the matter. And oh boy, did he find something delightfully suspicious. 🕵️‍♂️

Thus, shall we dare to contemplate whether Ethereum is preparing itself to announce a triumphant rally, a phenomenon not witnessed in a full trip around the sun?

Yet, in the land of Nigeria—an epicenter of exuberance in the African crypto ballet—a curious resilience remains unbroken. On-chain and social data pirouette themselves into revealing that Bonk (BONK), Sui (SUI), and Pepe (PEPE) have pirated their way to the top of the trend charts this week, seizing the spotlight as if they were the divas of a once-in-a-lifetime performance.

Virtual Protocol [VIRTUAL] is in a bit of a pickle, with its price taking a nosedive of over 20% in just one week. The token’s troubles seem to be more than just a temporary glitch; they’re starting to look like a full-blown plot twist.

So, what’s the scoop? According to the latest gossip from July 25 (because yes, crypto drama is REAL), Galaxy completed this massive sale for a lucky Satoshi-era investor. Can you imagine being influential enough that your exit from the digital realm is considered *the* talk of the town? Apparently, this was all part of one savvy investor’s estate planning. I mean, nothing says “I have my life together” like planning your digital wealth from the 2010s. 📈🙄

Amid this chaos, a few RWA tokens are flexing their muscles, attracting whales and on-chain attention. Here are three coins that are hotter than a summer BBQ—unless you’re a bear. 🍖

The scholars of this report delved into the murky waters of onchain data, unveiling not only the scale of the heist but the alarming rapidity with which the nefarious funds flitted away through mixers, bridges, and the insidious bazaar known as centralized exchanges. Indeed, as they mapped the timeline of these digital calamities, it was discovered that laundering often occurs quicker than a conspiratorial wink—sometimes even before the havoc is revealed to the innocent victims.

Ether, that incorrigible optimist, remains bullish despite the crypto market’s collective hissy fit. Bravo, ETH! 👏

In a sprightly post upon the Friday winds of social media, Haseeb Qureshi, the managing partner bedecked in the robes of reason, extolled the virtues of their early espousal of Tornado Cash—a delightful open-source contraption that allows users to play peek-a-boo with their blockchain transactions since the golden days of August 2020. 🦋