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The layers of disappearing stripes were only empty ground where the illusion of Satoshi, the pseudonymous creator of Bitcoin, fading into code stood since late 2024. It was unveiled on October 25, 2024, at Plan B’s Bitcoin forum, as Swiss-Tether and Lugano raced to brand the city a global Bitcoin hub. Because, you know, Bitcoin needs a physical presence… or a statue… or something 🤷‍♂️.

In the meantime, Ripple Labs is out here expanding like it’s a startup on a caffeine drip. Corporations and even the US government (yes, you heard that right) are scrambling to add XRP to their digital portfolios like it’s the hottest thing since sliced bread. You know, just a casual attempt to balance their treasuries. Nothing to see here.

Viewed in the weekly light (which, let’s be honest, flickers like a Soviet lamp), XRP’s collapse beneath $3 feels less like a surprise and more like the universe muttering, “Did you really expect better?” With a single candle’s red glare as its testimony, bearish divergence hovers above the chart—if you looked any closer, you’d smell the borscht of inevitability. More downside? Sideways tedium? Either way, those dreaming of riches are left to ponder the virtues of patience… or resignation. 🤷‍♂️

Tradition, Atkins argued, is like last year’s winter coat: worn, dusty, inherited from one’s grandfather, and deeply incompatible with blockchain. “We will not do what we always did,” howled Atkins, waving a copy of securities law circa 1933, which promptly disintegrated into dust. America, he insisted, would by sheer force of will become lord and proprietor of distributed ledgers—whether the rest of the world was ready or not, or whether anyone asked for it in the first place. 🇺🇸✨

Bilal Bin Saqib—Pakistan’s Minister of State for *cough* “Crypto and Blockchain”—had a nice little Zoom chat with Kyrgyzstan’s Farkhat Aminov. They agreed to:

On the most illustrious social media platform, X (formerly known as Twitter, which seems to be a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma), U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent confidently declared on August 1 that America has joyfully leaped into a transformative period for blockchain innovation. He described this epoch as a pivotal era for digital assets, as if they were the star of a particularly dull play. 🎭

This Trust, with the unassuming name “Story,” offers the wealthy few—those who can afford such gambles—access to a blockchain for intellectual property. Yes, you heard right, intellectual property, that thing most of us ignore until it suddenly becomes valuable. The project launched in February, aiming—like a hopeful suitor—to bring order to the chaos of rights and royalties, where creators can upload their treasures, set their rules, and maybe—perhaps—make a penny or two.

From $10.30 to $48.50, Hyperliquid pirouetted through the dreams of investors, only to falter now like a prima donna mid-act. The price, once a tempest, now drizzles, retreating beneath its former bastion of support. Benaiah, that oracle of charts, sighs, “HYPE doesn’t look good”—a verdict as poetic as it is damning. If $35-$38 crumbles, the market may descend into a Darwinian free-for-all, where only the fittest bids survive. 💸

Joao Wedson, that crypto oracle in a tweed coat, declared on X that the long-term holders (LTHs), those noble scribes of Bitcoin’s ledger, have begun their slow dance toward the exit. “Aged coins stir,” he intoned, “as if roused from a century of slumber by the scent of profit and the distant echo of ETFs.” Yet, with 50% of ETF-held Bitcoin already sold, Wedson, ever the optimist, insists the bull market will persist “for at least two more months”—a promise as certain as Tolstoy’s belief in the redemption of man.

The economic calendar is looking like a particularly exciting episode of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” The Consumer Price Index (CPI) report on August 12 will reveal whether inflation is cooling down or if those pesky tariffs are turning the economy into a hot pot of chaos. Two weeks later, the Producer Price Index (PPI) on August 14 will give us yet another peek under the economic hood.