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Despite the chaos, on-chain “experts” and analysts are already scribbling “buy the dip” notes like it’s a middle school passing game. 📝

Back then, the faithful clung to the delusion that Bitcoin was merely “cooling off.” But fate, ever the cruel jester, had other plans. Four weeks later, the S&P 500 too succumbed, dragging both markets into a six-week abyss where BTC plummeted 25% and the index shed 21%-a symphony of financial despair.

Whispers, like the wind through the gulag wires, carried tales of CZ’s return to Binance. But Teresa Goody Guillén, his legal shield, quashed these rumors with the finality of a hammer on an anvil. “No,” she declared on The Pomp Podcast, “he shall not return.” The settlement, she admits, has mended a fragment of his shattered reputation, but the scars of this Kafkaesque ordeal run deep. Both man and empire have been flayed, their wounds salted by years of legal torment. 🩹

Big news: The Bitwise XRP ETF is set to begin trading on NYSE tomorrow with the ticker $XRP.

It has a management fee of 0.34%, which is waived for the first month on the first $500M in assets. This product brings investors spot exposure to XRP, the crypto asset that aims to…

the Canary Capital ETF, a vessel of modern alchemy, summoned $58 million in its maiden voyage-a feat rivaling the legendary $57 million debut of Bitwise’s BSOL ETF. Yet who counts coins in a storm? This fund now sails among the titans of 2025, leaving 900 lesser ships floundering in its wake. ⛵

And just like that, Bitcoin has decided to make another dramatic exit below the $90K threshold. Because why not? Crypto markets, ladies and gentlemen! 💸 According to Glassnode, the crypto analysis firm that loves to keep us on the edge of our seats, investors with “paper hands” are now scrambling for the hills as they bail out in droves. This is the kind of thrill ride you don’t need a seatbelt for. 🎢

In a most unexpected turn, several grand corporations have begun to exhibit signs of alarm, their previously steadfast confidence in Bitcoin now marred by the tempest of volatility. The once-revered institutional investors, who were thought to be the stabilizing force of this nascent market, now find themselves retreating, their holdings unwound with the haste of a man fleeing a duel.

This little stunt comes on the heels of fraud investigations and a heap of renewed scrutiny into the meme token that, just earlier this year, saw a mass exodus of funds that shook investor faith like a bad first date. Legal folks are rubbing their hands together in anticipation, no doubt. 👨‍⚖️

STRK STRK $0.25 24h volatility: 26.9% Market cap: $1.14 B Vol. 24h: $875.60 M has added $65 million in staked assets in six hours. Because nothing says “trust me” like a 26.9% swing in value. 📈📉