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This grand metamorphosis, no mere caprice, marks the conclusion of a saga first whispered on February 5th (the staff’s collective existential crisis likely began earlier, but the boardroom calendar only chronicles so much suffering). The change positions Strategy Inc. as the world’s first and largest hoarder-pardon, treasurer-of bitcoin. Yes, reader, somewhere Dostoevsky’s ghost mutters, “First the ruble, now the coin.” 🪙

On August 14, the team, sounding almost exhausted, disclosed that scammers have again found creative ways to steal-because, apparently, the thrill of a good larceny never truly goes out of fashion. These swindlers, masquerading as trustworthy crypto projects, have been prowling about, lurking behind expired Discord invites-those poor, forgotten links that look like relics from a bygone era-and luring credulous users into their trap. A real masterstroke of digital deception, I dare say, akin to handing over your wallet at a masquerade ball and then being surprised when it’s gone.

Google Play Store announced a new policy on Thursday, requiring crypto wallet developers to hold banking or money services licenses. This rule applies to 15 regions, including the United States and the European Union. The policy aims to create a secure and compliant user environment, but it has sparked a firestorm of protest, especially from developers of non-custodial wallets, who feel like they’re being asked to square the circle. 🤔

Hold onto your hats, folks! Stablecoins on the XRP Ledger are booming like a Brooks laugh track! 📈 A 46% surge in just one week? That’s $166 million, baby! Ripple’s RLUSD is the star of the show, hogging more than half the spotlight. 🎭 It’s the on-chain payments king, and it’s not giving up the throne anytime soon! 👑

“Providing custody services for those high-quality assets backing stablecoins is the first option we are looking at,” declared Biswarup Chatterjee, Citigroup’s global head of partnerships and innovation, with the air of a man whose company may just be ready to make an offer no one can refuse. Or perhaps one that everyone will laugh at. Time will tell.

Ethereum’s developers, those wise old owls of the blockchain, have long warned that no single provider should hold more than 33% of the stake. Too much power, they say, could lead to consensus issues-a digital dictatorship, if you will. And so, the community rallied, like farmers chasing off a greedy landlord, ensuring Lido didn’t cross that line. 🚫👑 “We kept the big dog from eating the whole pie,” said Darren Langley, Rocket Pool’s general manager, with a wink and a nod.

Oh, how these two great forces-blockchain and AI-do entwine themselves like lovers beneath the moonlit sky. On Wednesday, August 13, Sapien announced this grand scheme: tokens for humans who teach machines! The SAPIEN token, set to debut on August 20, promises riches untold-or at least some cryptocurrency. 💰

It wobbled a ten percent dance over the past day-up briefly to $0.26, then sharply reversing with all the grace of a drunken ballerina-before plunging again, stirred by data from the ages of chaos, revealing a 0.9% rise in wholesale inflation. Such a figure, unseen in over three years, cast gloom across the land, dampening hopes that the Fed’s printing press would take a mysterious nap.

So, Bitcoin’s chilling at $120k like it’s a luxury spa, using it as a launchpad for its latest ATH shenanigans. $123k? Sure, why not? 🤑 But hold the champagne-an intraday dip of 1.47% says, “Not so fast, buddy.” Market cap? Down $50 billion. Ouch. That’s like losing a small country’s GDP. 🌍💸

Meet Proto Rig, the modular marvel that’s about to save miners a ton of cash and reduce e-waste. Instead of chucking the whole rig when it gets old, you can just swap out the hashboards as tech evolves. It’s like replacing a single sock instead of your entire wardrobe. 💁‍♀️