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The Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC), ever eager to fill its pages with more plans, invites the crypto crowd to whisper their secrets, plead their cases, or complain loudly about how they’d do it “better”. Acting chair Caroline D. Pham declared with a hint of theatrical bravado that public input will “assist” them-because what could be more reassuring than a bunch of tech-savvy rebels navigating red tape? 🤔

Traders, those ever-hopeful souls, clapped their hands with glee, thinking, “Hooray! Free money!” 🤑 Analyst Kyle Doops (yes, that’s his real name) called it “bullish fuel for risk assets.” Because nothing says ‘stability’ like throwing money at a problem, right? Meanwhile, others hinted the government was playing nanny, ready to catch the market if it trips. Aww, how sweet! 🤗

In the cold calculus of technical indicators, one truth emerges: money flows out, like tears from a broken heart. The token, dear reader, may yet face a descent deeper than Dostoevsky’s own descent into gambling hell. 🎲💸

The good analyst began with what can only be described as a satirical flourish-a “daily dose of bearish because it’s always bearish forever and ever.” One must admire the commitment to a theme, even if the theme is unrelenting gloom. He then presented the data, which showed that Dogecoin has been engaged in the most fashionable of modern pursuits: doing absolutely nothing for seven months. One hundred and seventy-five days of exquisite sideways ennui. In the world of finance, this is called ‘accumulation’; in the world of art, it is called a very long intermission.

Now, early trading is like a toddler with a new toy-everyone wants a piece, and it gets messy fast. The analytics account Lookonchain, which sounds like a place where you’d find a very bored cat, alleged that “Only YZY was added to the liquidity pool with no USDC.” This is akin to throwing a party and only inviting your closest friends while leaving the rest of the world outside, peering in through the windows. The developers might as well have been selling tickets to a concert that only they could attend. 🎟️

Now, thanks to this shiny new feature, you can dive into the wild world of DeFi without sacrificing your precious hardware-level security. Yes, you heard that right! No more juggling multiple software or extensions like a circus performer trying to keep all the balls in the air. 🎪

Galeotti, speaking at a digital asset summit in Wyoming (because where else would you discuss the future of money than in a state known for cowboys and wide-open spaces?), signaled a seismic shift in the government’s stance. Apparently, the DOJ has finally realized that not every line of code is a plot to overthrow the financial system. Unless, of course, it’s a smart contract gone rogue – but that’s a story for another day. 🤖

Irys, which fancies itself as a “programmable datachain platform,” is here to address what it calls “fundamental inefficiencies” in the data market. Fundamental inefficiencies, you say? How delightfully vague! It’s almost as if they’ve taken a page from the playbook of a Victorian-era gentleman describing his butler’s inability to locate the marmalade. But fear not, for Irys has grand plans to unlock the hidden treasures of onchain data, much like a digital Indiana Jones, sans whip but with plenty of blockchain bravado.

The cognoscenti, of course, have been positively barking that the four-year pattern had kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, and gone to meet its maker, felled by other macro-whatsits and economic thingumajigs. Preposterous nonsense, what?

Cardano (ADA) has ascended 2.67% in the past day, a modest climb that makes even the most jaded investors ponder if they’ve finally found their financial Zen. 🧘‍♂️📈