Coinbase Global (NASDAQ: COIN) rolled into the third quarter like a tumbleweed with a side of numbers, blowing past Wall Street’s expectations with the grace of a well-fed coyote. The exchange, ever the gambler, added 2,772 BTC worth $299 million to its stash, turning its vault into a Bitcoin bonfire. 🔥
This so-called rebound? It’s like a sitcom with bad writing-looks promising but might just be a setup for the next faceplant. 📉😂 Charts say it’s a brief bounce before the next dip. Indicators? They’re whispering sweet nothings about a short-term lift before the sellers crash the party. 🕺💥
Their bullishness? A masterclass in optimism: crypto prices, they said, are dancing to the tune of “seasonal strength” (read: summer vibes), “institutional demand” (read: big banks pretending to care), and “favorable regulatory momentum” (read: politicians nodding while shrugging). 🕺
Ethereum (ETH) fared worse, its 2% drop a cruel joke. Ripple (XRP) and Solana (SOL) joined the dance of despair, while Dogecoin (DOGE) and Cardano (ADA) wept in unison. 🙀 The market’s heart is a tempest, and all coins are but leaves in the storm. 🌩️
This cunning maneuver emerged from an updated S-1 filing. As Crypto In America’s ever-astute host Eleanor Terrett reported, Canary has erased the infamous “delaying amendment” from their filings-an amendment that previously handed the SEC the power to determine when the registration would take effect. Now, without this amendment, the registration could automatically become effective after the statutory 20-day waiting period, unless the SEC decides to throw a wrench in the gears. No pressure, SEC. 😉
Once the crown jewel of India’s crypto kingdom, WazirX had fallen into a slumber after a $230 million hack in July 2024. A multi-signature wallet, managed by the ever-so-trustworthy Liminal, was compromised. Thousands of accounts froze faster than a Gogol protagonist’s heart in winter. “Fear not!” cried the exchange, “Your funds are safe during our grand ‘restructuring and verification process.'” 🧊💔
Amid the disputes swirling like a Dostoevskian fever dream, where false prophets are unmasked, and curious buyers flock like souls seeking redemption, perchance absorbing the sell pressure and igniting a rebound-ah, the sweet mockery of greed’s illusions. 🙄
Meanwhile, South Korea’s beloved crypto altar, Upbit, now resembles a ghost town after the carnival left town: trading volumes have slumped 12.8%, a mere flesh wound in the grand scheme of financial melodrama. 🩸
Yet, this same nation, which once celebrated the arrival of the British Raj with a mix of awe and dread, now imposes rules so onerous, one might think crypto is a plague of locusts rather than a beacon of progress. The numbers, oh the numbers! A survey of 9,000 souls revealed 84% believe these policies are as fair as a crocodile in a courtroom. 🐊⚖️
Some Keener-than-thou experts-like Dr. Altcoin, who apparently moonlights as a crystal ball reader-think that Pi could go all Bitcoin on us and skyrocket over the next five years. Because nothing screams stability like a crypto that’s still trying to find its shoes. 🚶♂️
