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PI continues its downward spiral, with the looming threat of a deeper plunge as exchange balances swell by millions of coins.

Last Friday, the PBOC announced its intention to spread the gospel of financial innovation, à la Shanghai Free Trade Zone, to the rest of the country. Ji Min, the head of the PBOC’s Research Bureau, proclaimed that the “Shanghai model” will be replicated nationwide, because what could possibly go wrong with a plan named after a city that’s essentially a giant construction site? 🏗️

In his latest YouTube video, crypto analyst Lark Davis explains how upcoming spot ETFs for major altcoins like XRP, Solana, Litecoin, Dogecoin, Cardano, Sui, and Aptos could trigger a massive market surge. 🚀

This… thing has gained over 85% in the past 7 days and 209% in the last 30 days. I guess that’s impressive if you’re into that sort of thing. And it’s not like it has any real utility or intrinsic value, but hey, who needs that when you’ve got hype? 🚀

Now, Renaissance Life gets fancy with its product, wrapped under the quirky name of “Cryptocapital.” It starts at a mere 1.5 million rubles and lasts two whole years, during which it promises not just a piece of the potential Bitcoin pie, but also full principal protection. That’s right! If the market crumbles faster than you can say “cryptocurrency crash,” your investment is snug as a bug in a rug. And what’s life without a little upside? It’s like a hedge fund and a safety deposit box had a baby! 🎢

According to the esteemed crypto chartist, Ali Martinez, DOGE is poised for a 50% price jump, catapulting it to the dizzying heights of $0.24 💥. But, as with all things in life, there’s a catch – DOGE must stay above the precipice of $0.16, lest the whole house of cards comes crashing down 🃏.

Pseudonymous analyst Credible Crypto, who boasts a following of 468,800 on X, believes that Bitcoin is on the brink of a jaw-dropping breakout from its current trading range.

Mortier, visibly juggling his sense of irony, told Reuters that the bill’s name — the GENIUS Act — may turn out to be about as well-chosen as calling your hamster Beefcake. “It could be genius — or it could be evil,” he noted, presumably before spinning in his chair and laughing maniacally. The root of his concern? Turning the dollar digital and bolting it (with heroic enthusiasm) to a pile of U.S. Treasuries could make it less Atlas and more Humpty Dumpty.

Frankly, it’s a marvel the European Union ever got behind the wheel at all; most previous attempts at crypto policy resembled a committee attempting to assemble flat-pack furniture—no allen key, all existential dread.

This isn’t just a cryptic impulse buy—the $50 million is merely the appetizer. The main course? Up to $1 billion aimed squarely at BNB tokens, half of which is funded by $500 million in convertible notes. (Because what’s a big number without some financial wizardry?)