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Binance Coin (BNB) has, against all reasonable expectations, managed a 1.84% increase in value over the last 24 hours. A truly astonishing feat, considering the sheer, baffling complexity of… well, everything. 🎉

Bitcoin spot ETFs pulled in a net inflow of $642.35 million, with Fidelity FBTC leading the charge at $315.18 million. BlackRock IBIT wasn’t far behind, adding $264.71 million. Bitwise BITB and Ark &21Shares chipped in $29.16 million and $19.37 million, respectively. VanEck HODL and Grayscale BTC rounded it off with $8.24 million and $5.69 million. Not bad for a day’s work, huh? 🏦💰

“If one fancies oneself purchasing a Bitcoin only to secure a Lamborghini on the morrow, pray, prepare thy purse for liquidation!” Mr. Hayes did confide to one Kyle Chasse, during a confidential conversation rather improperly publicized upon the great stage of YouTube this past Friday.

According to whispers in the alleyways of Wall Street, the REX-Osprey Dogecoin ETF, who prefers to be called DOJE, managed to wriggle its way through the noose of the Investment Company Act of 1940. The initial plan was to start trading around September 18, 2025, but alas! It was pushed to a date as mysterious as a treasure map, leaving investors fumbling with their plans and crochet hooks ready!

Ripple (XRP) has officially turned up the heat, and not just because of the weather. It looks like we might just be on the verge of a bull run, so buckle up.

Based in the heart of New York, where the streets are paved with, if not gold, then certainly Bitcoin, Gemini priced its IPO late on Thursday, popping above the anticipated range of $24 to $26. Jolly good show, what? This little maneuver valued the company at a cool $3.3 billion before the trading bells even rang. Not too shabby for a pair of Harvard grads who once had a spot of bother with a certain Mr. Zuckerberg. 😏📈

The dynamic duo has kicked off by plugging Chainlink’s oracle tech straight into Polymarket’s resolution process, promising faster, verifiable results with almost zero judgment calls. It’s all about getting rid of those awkward “who picked the ref?” moments and replacing them with the sound of a whistle when the clock hits zero. 🎯

The US labor market’s downturn is now so dramatic that even the Kraken team, who are no strangers to the wild waves of crypto, are taking notes. They point out that the revision to the jobs data is more extreme than what we saw during the 2008 financial crisis. Yes, you read that right – the job market is that much of a mess. 😱

Solana’s market cap just smashed a new ATH of over $130 billion, which is basically the crypto equivalent of getting a text back from your crush. 💌 Meanwhile, $61 million in short positions got liquidated in the past 24 hours-ouch, that’s gotta sting worse than a bad breakup. 😬 And get this: Galaxy Digital apparently dropped $510 million on SOL this week. Big money, big moves, big *energy*. 💸 On the flip side, FTX & Alameda unstaked $45 million worth of SOL. Since November 2023, they’ve redeemed 9.98M SOL worth around $1.2B. Red flag? Maybe. But the chart pattern says, “Girl, you’re fine.” 💅

Since the curtain rose on April 1, right after the presale’s final bow, this mercurial project has danced with the fickle markets, which, much like bored dandies, have perked up at whispers of impending rate cuts following the latest CPI and PPI gossip.