Coinbase Wants To Be Your Bank?! 🤑

The crypto fraternity, a notoriously discerning bunch, has responded with the sort of polite skepticism one reserves for a particularly dreadful sherry. Experiences with Coinbase, it seems, are…varied.

Trump’s 401(k) Shake-Up: Bitcoin’s New Bestie? 🚀

Robert Kiyosaki, the man who wrote Rich Dad Poor Dad (a book that’s either life-changing or just really good at selling gold coins, depending on who you ask), is throwing confetti over a new executive order. President Trump, in a move that’s either genius or a masterclass in political theatrics, signed a directive to let 401(k)s play with digital assets, private equity, and real estate. Kiyosaki? He’s here for it. 🎉

Chainlink: Will It Moon or Go Bust? 🌕💸

Analyst Ali, who probably has a crystal ball or just a really good guess, says the asset’s sniffing around the $25 mark like a troll at a treasure chest. If it breaks through, we’re looking at targets of $26.17, $27.84, and $30.13. But, oh ho! A pullback to $23.3-24 is still on the cards. Current price action’s hovering near $23.6, and trading volume’s over $1 billion-more attention than a wizard at a hat convention. 🎩💰

Crypto Scammers Bribe X Employees? Oh, How Tragic!

In a September 19 post, X’s Global Government Affairs team declared, “We’ve been exposed!” (or so they claim). It seems some suspended crypto scammers, desperate to reclaim their digital glory, hired middlemen to sweeten the deal for employees. A most unseemly spectacle! 🎩

Hold Onto Your Hats! Hyperliquid’s $70 Breakout May Just Be Around the Corner 🎩💰

Chart showing HYPE technical outlook

The week started with HYPE swaggering about like Bertie Wooster at a country dance, but alas, the tempo has taken a wee moment to pause. That $52 to $53 zone has behaved like a reliable valet, catching any wayward price as it tries to dodge the dance floor. Still, if selling pressure decides to gatecrash, we might see a polite stumble down to the $50 mark-nothing catastrophic, just the market adjusting its cravat before the next dance.

Whales Going Wild: ASTER Token’s Meteoric Rise (And They’re Not Done Yet!)

The biggest whale splash came from wallet 0x04EA, which yanked a hefty 7.04 million ASTER (valued at $4.66 million) about 13 hours ago. Another whale, 0xe1Da, was feeling adventurous just 10 hours ago, pulling out 5.1 million tokens ($4.1 million). Not to be outdone, 0x841D made a thrilling 2.22 million APX deposit ($2.22 million) and then-drumroll, please-swapped it for ASTER worth $2.11 million. This, my friends, is the dance of the whales. No quick sell-offs here. They’re hanging on, possibly hoping for that sweet surge. 🦈💰