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The crypto community in Brazil is currently doing the samba after narrowly avoiding a tax overhaul that would’ve made even the most stoic trader weep. Provisional Measure 1,303, enacted by President Luiz “Lula” da Silva (yes, the same one who probably still thinks Bitcoin is a type of coffee ☕), aimed to slap a 17.5% flat tax on all crypto traders, regardless of whether they were small fish or whales. The measure had until October 8 to be passed by Congress, or it would vanish like a poorly executed NFT project.

Meanwhile, trading volume surged by 17%, hitting a cool $9.6 billion. Seems like the big buyers finally stopped sulking after that tariff-driven selloff, or maybe they just missed the party. Who knows? 🎉

Ah, the drama began at precisely 9:30 AM ET, just before Trump’s oh-so-timely tariff tweet at 10:57 AM ET. As always, the big players, or “whales,” had already set up their short positions, ready to feast. By 4:30 PM ET and 4:49 PM ET, one particularly savvy whale had bought over $23 million in shorts. Can we all agree this sounds like a strategy made for a Netflix documentary?

Cryptos and stocks performing a synchronised belly flop on a Friday, only to continue the happy trend over the weekend. Why? Because Donald Trump decided to throw another tantrum about tariffs on China. Spoiler: we’re down nearly 100% tariffs now. Exciting times!

Meanwhile, institutions are piling into Bitcoin like it’s Black Friday at a tech store. Even Trump’s own company is reportedly stacking BTC, rubbing elbows with the likes of MicroStrategy and MetaPlanet. Bitcoin’s price seems steadier now, but it’s still tied to the whims of US politics. So, is it time to dive in? Or should you just grab popcorn and watch? 🍿

Having initially bowed its dimpled grill to Bitcoin on the frosty yet auspicious day of May 16th, covering the culinary ground from America to the sun-dazed thoroughfares of France, Monaco, and Spain, they now find themselves reaping the spoils of loyalty, with sales burgeoning by a prosperous 15% compared to last year, all thanks to these crypto champions’ patronage.

“Don’t worry about China, it will all be fine!” he typed, presumably while eating a Big Mac and contemplating his next golf course. “Highly respected President Xi just had a bad moment.” Oh, just a bad moment, huh? Like when you accidentally wear mismatched socks, but with trillions of dollars at stake. 🧦💸 Trump assured us that the U.S.A. wants to help China, not hurt it, which is rich coming from the man who once called tariffs his “favorite word.” 🗣️🤡

The galactic demand for tossing around digital coins like confetti has emboldened major exchanges such as Coinbase to revisit those arbitrary spending limits. The illustrious CEO, Brian Armstrong (not to be confused with any other Armstrong-type figures from history or above-the-clouds stories), mentioned on social media platform X on Oct. 11 that Coinbase was about to conduct a little underground experiment in going big or going home.

The global cryptocurrency market cap has apparently been lifting weights, gaining $170 billion in just 24 hours. A $170 billion gain-because why not? This surge, of course, is not just Bitcoin flexing. Oh no, it’s a full-on recovery rally with all the big players jumping in on the action.

Ah, the crypto world-a realm where scandal blooms like a noxious flower. A sleuth of the blockchain has fingered Garrett Jin, the former über-captain of the now-sunken SS BitForex, as the puppeteer behind a Hyperliquid whale. This behemoth commands a staggering 100,000 BTC, a sum that would make even Croesus blush. Jin, you see, is no stranger to controversy, having helmed BitForex during its ignominious descent into fraud and ruin. What a charming résumé! 🎭