Mayor Buys Crypto, City Buys Chaos 🤡 | Chekhov Would’ve Laughed

by

Mayor Eric Adams, affectionately known as the “Bitcoin Mayor” – a title he earned not through expertise, but by accepting his first three paychecks in digital tokens no one over sixty can pronounce – has signed Executive Order 57. This, we are solemnly informed, creates the “Office of Digital Assets and Blockchain.” As if New York lacked enough departments that no one understands.

The new office, the first of its kind in the United States (a distinction about as meaningful as being the tallest man in a kindergarten class), promises to “promote responsible blockchain innovation,” attract talent, and bolster New York’s status as a hub of financial technology. Or perhaps it will simply attract men in hoodies who talk about “decentralization” while sipping $18 almond milk lattes. Time, that eternal jester, will tell.

A New Ministry Is Born (Because Why Not?)

Executive Order 57 – signed, reportedly, with a gold-plated pen while gazing pensively at a digital rendering of Satoshi Nakamoto – establishes an office to report directly to Chief Technology Officer Matthew Fraser, a man whose job, one assumes, is to nod gravely while algorithms misbehave.

Moises Rendon, a blockchain policy expert recently plucked from the Office of Technology and Innovation (a title so vague it could mean anything from coding to organizing office potlucks), has been appointed executive director. His mission: to gather industry leaders – a polite term for people who sell things on the internet – and ask them how the city might better serve the blockchain. One wonders if they’ll accept payment in Dogecoin.

“New York has always been the center of innovation,” Mayor Adams declared, as if forgetting about the guy who invented the drip coffee maker in Queens in 1948. “With this office, we’re embracing the technologies of tomorrow – growing our economy and expanding opportunities for underbanked communities.”

First Deputy Mayor Randy Mastro, ever the optimist, announced that the initiative would keep the city “ahead of the curve.” Presumably, the curve being referenced is the gently ascending line of mayoral publicity stunts. Meanwhile, CTO Fraser expressed pride that this office “shows the mayor’s bold vision to make New York the crypto capital of the world.” Bold, yes. Sane? Debatable. 🤔

Now, With 50% More Bureaucracy!

The office’s purpose, we are told, is to bridge City Hall and the blockchain industry – two realms so alien to each other that communication may require an interpreter fluent in both legalese and crypto-jargon. Its lofty goals include “responsible innovation,” financial inclusion, public education about crypto risks, and consumer protection – topics about which most city officials learn on the first Tuesday of the month during “Emerging Tech Awareness Lunch and Learn” (catered by DoorDash).

“The future is now for digital assets in New York City,” Rendon proclaimed with the enthusiasm of a man who has recently discovered apps. “We aim to make government more transparent and innovative for 8.5 million New Yorkers.”

His first act? Forming a commission of blockchain experts – hired, no doubt, after a rigorous LinkedIn screening process – to advise on pilot programs involving blockchain for public records and “service transparency.” One anticipates immediate improvements: imagine a land registry that runs on Ethereum! Or perhaps a tax filing system where your receipts are stored in an NFT shaped like a sad raccoon. 😢🖼️

The office also plans to collaborate with federal and state agencies on education campaigns. How better to teach citizens about crypto scams than with a brochure printed entirely on non-fungible paper?

Our first-in-the-nation Office of Digital Assets and Blockchain will help make us the GLOBAL capital of digital assets.

This new mayoral office is going to help us stay ahead of the curve, grow our economy, AND attract world-class talent:

– Mayor Eric Adams (@NYCMayor) October 14, 2025

The Final Act: A Mayor’s Crypto Swan Song

This office, we are reminded, is the culmination of Adams’ two-year romance with crypto – a love affair sparked not by deep understanding, but by the allure of novelty and free Bitcoin. He hosted the city’s first crypto summit, where speakers used the word “synergy” 317 times per minute, and accepted his first three salaries in Bitcoin and Ethereum, earning the nickname “Bitcoin Mayor.” (Saint Eric the Digitally Inclined, patron saint of password recovery emails.)

He also called, with great urgency, for reforming New York’s BitLicense system – a regulatory framework so clunky even the regulators apologize when they mention it. Whether this new office will actually simplify matters or merely add another layer of PDF forms to the process remains unknown.

Adams departs office on January 1, after abandoning his re-election campaign in September – a move interpreted by some as political miscalculation, by others as finally realizing that governing is harder than tweeting. The mayoral race is now led by Democrat Zohran Mamdani, a man of principle and suspicion toward unregulated digital currencies, who advocates for stronger stablecoin consumer protections. (Imagine! Protecting people from losing their life savings because a meme coin named “Elon’s Doggo” suddenly crashed.) 😬

Following closely is former Governor Andrew Cuomo – a man who, in a twist worthy of satire, has been criticized for advising the crypto exchange OKX. One suspects the ghost of Tammany Hall is clapping slowly from beneath City Hall.

Meanwhile, the crypto faithful – led by figures like Gemini’s Tyler Winklevoss, who still believes in “the vision” despite having explained blockchain to his mother three times and still being asked, “So it’s like Monopoly money?” – are backing candidates who promise to keep New York “open for digital business.”

And so we wait. Will this new office usher in a golden age of transparent, efficient governance? Or will it become another archive of unused APIs and forgotten Slack channels? 🙃

Only time – that cold, indifferent accountant – will balance the ledger. And if the ledger is on a blockchain? Well. Then at least someone can’t cheat. Probably.

Read More

2025-10-15 04:14