How Metaplanet Became a Bitcoin Billionaire Overnight (Sort Of)

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In a twist of intergalactic irony that could only be rivaled by the improbability drive, the Japan-listed Bitcoin treasury firm Metaplanet has stumbled across a treasure trove of digital gold. In the fiscal year 2025 – which is not to be confused with some kind of futuristic sci-fi film starring an actor who has definitely seen better days – they reported revenue that would make even a Vogon poet weep: ¥8.905 billion. That’s a mind-boggling 738% increase year on year, which is about as likely as finding a decent cup of tea in a black hole.

But wait, there’s more! Operating profit soared to an eyebrow-raising ¥6.287 billion, which is a staggering 1,694% increase. One can only assume that somewhere in the Metaplanet headquarters, someone accidentally tripped over an enchanted calculator that has been programmed to believe it’s a financial wizard.

Throughout this year of remarkable fiscal gymnastics, the company dramatically expanded its Bitcoin stash from a mere 1,762 BTC to a whopping 35,102 BTC. You might think they were trying to corner the market on digital coins or perhaps gearing up for an interplanetary poker game with extraterrestrials.

However, in a plot twist worthy of a subpar sitcom, despite their meteoric rise through the Bitcoin stratosphere, they are also contending with an unrealized valuation loss of around ¥102.2 billion. Yes, you read that right – they’ve managed to become rich and poor at the same time, a feat that adds yet another layer of complexity to the already convoluted world of cryptocurrency. It’s a bit like being invited to a party where you’re both the life of it and somehow still stuck outside, wondering why you didn’t just stay home and binge-watch that series about space llamas instead.

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2026-02-16 13:51