Ex-Bank Employee Allegedly Moonlights as Embezzler—You Won’t Believe the Plot Twist 🚨

by

In a stunning revelation that absolutely no one who believes in corporate fairy tales saw coming, the omniscient beings at the Federal Reserve have stumbled—presumably while balancing on a swivel chair—across a bank employee who allegedly treated a nonprofit’s funds as her own personal piggy bank. This thrilling tale of clandestine bookkeeping and suspiciously vanishing decimals features Kendall Hickman and enough paperwork to keep a Vogon happy for years.

Formerly of Jonah Bank, Hickman has now been promoted to “Person the Federal Reserve Warns Everyone About at Awkward Social Events.” Her exploits allegedly include making off with $33,212 from a nonprofit where she had the dual role of Bookkeeper and Apparent Magician—specializing in the “Now you see it, now you don’t!” style of financial reporting.

For reasons only the universe—or your local government auditor—can comprehend, Hickman juggled jobs at the Wyoming-based Jonah Bank and an Unnamed Nonprofit (so secret it might as well be fundraising for mysterious monoliths).

Between July 2021 and June 2023, Hickman’s parallel careers converged in that classic motif beloved by auditors everywhere: Subtract money from column A, add confusion to column B, and wait for someone with a badge to show up. Eventually the authorities, evidently graduates of How to Spot Obvious Embezzlement 101, caught up with her shenanigans.

The Federal Reserve stated, with the subtlety of a bureaucratic sledgehammer, that Hickman’s activities “constituted violations of law or regulation and involved personal dishonesty”—which is legalese for “Seriously?! You thought no one would notice?” Hickman, perhaps inspired by classic legal dramas or her lawyer’s migraine, opted to repay the nonprofit in full, agreed to their banishment rituals, and simultaneously admitted to and denied everything. Flawless human logic at work.

Despite the cosmic drama, the Fed’s prohibition order contains enough loopholes to satisfy any spacefaring lawyer. Should Hickman ever try her luck in the universe of finance again, she may face further “civil or criminal penalties”—or, at the very least, stern memos written in ALL CAPS.

Meanwhile, Jonah Bank, star of this subplot and officially the 1,474th-largest bank in the nation (the ranking system possibly devised by dolphins), continues to sit on $529 million in assets, and remains a beacon of Mid-2000s bank establishment. One assumes their next staff meeting will include a refresher on “How Not to Hire Intergalactic Funds Relocators.”

More updates as they occur, assuming anyone at the Fed can keep track of whose money is in which galaxy. 🪐💸

Read More

2025-07-05 22:06