Crypto Tsunami: Longs Liquidated, Bulls Laugh Last? Don’t Miss This Wild Tale! đŸ‚đŸ’„

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If one hoped for serenity in the first half of 2025, one found only the roaring tide of long liquidations—a tide so steady and eternal, it seemed as if even Sberbank’s tea ladies were wagering on the next bullish bounce. Amidst this chaos, the longing spirit of the market persisted, unfazed by the storms which, like a Russian winter, arrived not as a guest but as a permanent resident.

Long Liquidations: A Feast Worthy of Czars

The chronicles of early 2025 shall be written in sweat, tears, and the scattered dreams of bulls. On the third of February, a staggering $1.88 billion in long positions met their doom; a figure so grand that Tolstoy himself might have thought it exaggerated were it not meticulously recorded by the digital scribes at Coinglass. Out of the swirling maelstrom, more than 729,000 positions perished in a single day—a number rivaling casualties in a particularly incompetent Napoleonic campaign. One imagines the traders gazing at their screens, expressions reminiscent of Anna Karenina upon learning of an unfavorable train timetable.

The market, always eager for drama, found a familiar actor in President Trump. With the theatrical flourish of a bearded landowner pronouncing a new serfdom, he announced “reciprocal trade tariffs” on April 3rd. This was, of course, retaliation against those who would dare restrict American imports. How dare they! The world gasped—or at least the Hang Seng did, plunging nearly 10% as if its tea had just been spilt across the ledgers of Hong Kong.

Ethereum and Bitcoin, ever the Dostoevskian protagonists, met their fates with tragic grandeur. Bitcoin—perhaps imagining itself as Pierre at Borodino—plummeted to just under $75,000, shedding 8.5% in a single day. Not a single samovar was left unshaken.

Macroeconomic Winds of Fate (Bring a Scarf)

Yet one must never forget: misfortune seldom travels alone. Even before President Trump’s tariffs, the cunning hands of fate—one, the U.S. Federal Reserve with the disposition of an irritable countess, and the other, Walmart, crying “there will be less potatoes this season”—conspired on the 25th of February. The result? The anxious masses scurried to close their positions, their hope for riches replaced by resignation and cheap vodka.

With each passing day, the selling grew so intense that Bitcoin, the pride of many a peasant and prince, slipped beneath the $90,000 threshold—lower than Natasha Rostova’s spirits after a bad waltz. Bybit recorded $666 million in positions liquidated—a number sinister enough to make any babushka cross herself. And yes, dear reader, 90% of those were longs. (Statisticians called it a “trend.” Psychologists called it “denial.”)

It was not noble bitcoin alone who fell upon misfortune. Ethereum, ever the loyal cousin, tumbled as well, while hapless altcoins—Solana, for instance—were halved without mercy. Over $150 million vanished in Solana perpetual contract liquidations; a sum impressive enough to buy a mid-sized dacha or three very assertive horses.

March trudged onward, the landscape littered with hope, BTC briskly grazing $82,000 while others tried not to think too hard about their life choices.

Dregs, Restoration, and the Relentless Optimist

Finally, by April 7, the overleveraged hopefuls—brave as Levin facing harvest—were, for the most part, purged from the fields. A fortnight passed, bringing with it $600 million in forced short liquidations; the largest such event of the year. (One imagines a chorus line of short sellers, hats in hand, singing a mournful but oddly upbeat balalaika tune.)

And yet, total liquidations of longs remained almost triple those of shorts. There it stood, an enduring testament to the supreme optimism of mankind—always betting, always dreaming, always ready to believe that tomorrow the price will rise, the harvest will be bountiful, and Maria will finally notice Ivan’s new boots.

A cycle, Coinglass observed, as ancient as time: excessive leverage, feverish hope, followed by cascading liquidations that sweep the unwary from the marketplace—with about as much mercy as the winter sweeps through Yasnaya Polyana.

In conclusion, dear reader: only the wise, or perhaps those with very little money left to lose, can observe such spectacles with equanimity. For the crypto market, like a Russian novel, has but one lesson for us all—expect the unexpected, and be ready to laugh, weep, or hodl. 😅🚂

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2025-07-09 23:14