“Crypto-Saint” Pritzker Exorcises Federal ‘Crypto-Bros’-Midwest Gasps, Bitcoin Hides! 😱💸

Chicago night, fog thick as last year’s tax receipts, and upon the steps of the once-grey Capitol-where hope itself once filed for bankruptcy-Governor J.B. Pritzker, that modern Rodion Raskolnikov clad in a navy suit two sizes too expensive, raised his digital quill and etched two laws straight onto the trembling loins of the prairie wind. “Crypto-consumer protection!” cried the chorus of press-secretary cherubs, flapping their briefcases like substitute wings. The Governor turned to the cameras, eyes gleaming with the terrible certainty of a man who has just discovered his own innocence: “While Trump allows the crypto-bros to feast on the federal marrow, Illinois shall march beneath the banner of Common-Sense, trampling risk disclosure forms and sparing none.”

“Today I etch upon this cursed earth the very first safeguards against invisible coin!”

Then, without so much as a ceremonial smudge-stick, the Governor’s office projected a grainy footage of-who else?-the out-heroded Herod of Mar-a-Lago signing away IRS rules meant to corral decentralized exchanges. Evidence! A smoking pen! Or was it merely a capricious quill dipped in hallucinatory ink?

Governor Pritzker signs papers while interns pray to Satoshi

What, pray, lurks inside the twin scrolls? 🧾🔍

The First Scroll: SB1797, baptized Digital Assets and Consumer Protection Act, unfurls like a bureaucratic carpet and commands:

Let every exchange present its ledger to the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation. Bow, ye crypto-magi!
Disclose every fee-no hidden decimals shall masquerade as miracles.
Warn the faithful: coins may vanish, wallets may lock, and insurance may flee faster than a Moscow creditor in winter.

The Second Scroll: SB2319, dubbed Digital Asset Kiosk Act, insists:

All Bitcoin ATMs must register or suffer eternal noncompliance 😈
Refunds for the freshly-scammed (proof of naïveté required).
Usury limited to a modest 18 %-only slightly more rapacious than the state sales tax.
$2,500 cap per rookie per day-because even desire needs a curfew.

Queue of hopeful souls at a Bitcoin ATM

But dearest reader, on whose ledger does Illinois itself reside?

“Not very pro-crypto!” shrieks the ghost of a rejected House Bill 1844. Legislators watched that strategic-Bitcoin-reserve fantasy tumble from committee straight into the memory hole-echoing, perhaps, our own private stash of unspent regrets. 💸📉

Thus Chicago sways beneath sodium lamps, while on-screen palm-readers across the world hawk memecoins in abandoned discords. Somewhere, a bespectacled bureaucrat whispers, This coin, too, shall rust.

2025-08-19 10:21

What, pray, lurks inside the twin scrolls? 🧾🔍

But dearest reader, on whose ledger does Illinois itself reside?

Read More