Crypto Crash Course: Why Your Portfolio is Feeling the Burn 🔥

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Bitcoin is having a very bad day, or as I call it, “Wednesday.” BTC is down over 1% at $113,656, having dipped below $115k like it’s trying to play hide-and-seek with your retirement savings. 🐘

Ethereum is like that one contestant on a reality TV show who keeps coming back, just to fall again. ETH slumped below $4,200, hitting $4,070 before rallying to $4,181. Ripple? It’s basically the “I’m not crying, you’re crying” of crypto at $2.88. Solana (SOL) is up marginally at $180, but Dogecoin (DOGE) is down 2%-because Shiba Inus need more treats. Cardano (ADA) is a dumpster fire with an 8% plunge, while Chainlink (LINK) is doing the “I’m okay” hand at $24.52. Stellar (XLM), Hedera (HBAR), Litecoin (LTC), and Polkadot (DOT) are all in the “I need a nap” zone, while Toncoin (TON) is up 2%-probably dreaming of a better life. 🛌

Banking Lobby Thinks Stablecoins Are a “Problem” 😂

The US banking lobby is throwing a tantrum over stablecoins, like they’re the last kids on the playground with monopoly money. The Banking Policy Group (BPI) wrote Congress a letter saying stablecoins are a “risk” to the credit system. Meanwhile, Coinbase’s Brian Armstrong is like, “Hey, let people earn interest on their crypto!” But Andrew Rossow, a lawyer, says, “Oh, you want interest? Let’s talk about solvency and liquidity like it’s a Netflix show.” 📺

“Claims of ‘easy compliance’ overlook the complex realities of ensuring proper reserve backing, Anti-Money Laundering/Know Your Customer, and prudential oversight simultaneously.”

The BPI is mad about a loophole in the GENIUS Act. Aaron Brogan, a crypto lawyer, says the loophole is like a “Tupperware seal”-it might look airtight, but if you wiggle it, it’s porous. 🧼

Fed Official Wants to Ski in Crypto 🎿

Fed Vice Chair Michelle Bowman thinks staff should hold crypto to “understand it.” She said, “I wouldn’t trust someone to teach skiing if they’d never put on skis.” Fair, but also… why are you teaching skiing? 🤷‍♀️

“We will soon be establishing a framework for supervising issuers of these assets. There’s no replacement for experimenting and understanding how that ownership and transfer process flows.”

Fed staff can’t hold crypto-rules were made for those who can’t ski. Bowman says these restrictions are holding back hiring. Because nothing says “hire me” like, “I’ve never touched crypto.” 🤡

Republicans Think Democrats Will Support Their Crypto Bill 🤞

Senate Banking Chair Tim Scott thinks Democrats will back the CLARITY Act. He said, “18 Democrats voted for the GENIUS Act, so 12-18 more for this one!” Because nothing says “bipartisanship” like crypto. 🤝

Bitcoin’s Price Analysis: A Rollercoaster of Emotions 🎢

Bitcoin is down 1.02% at $113,846, and analysts are like, “This is not a sign of strength.” Keith Alan said, “The $107k-$110k range is coming into focus. This is not a sign of strength for $BTC.” Because nothing says “strength” like a bear market. 🐻

“TLDR: The $107k – $110k range is coming into focus. This is not a sign of strength for $BTC. The downward pressure is palpable, but bulls are trying to find their footing.”

Analysts are watching $110,950 like it’s the last slice of pizza. If BTC breaks below, it might hit $105k, which would be a “see you later, alligator” moment. 🐊

Ethereum’s Price Analysis: A Reality TV Show 🎬

Ethereum is up 4% at $4,238 after a week of drama. Tom Lee says it’ll drop to $4,075 before rallying to $5k. Because nothing says “confidence” like predicting a $4k floor. 🏗️

Solana’s Price Analysis: The Comeback Kid 🦸

Solana is up 3% at $181 after a 4% drop. Its apps lost 44% of revenue, but Axiom is the “winner” with a 641% jump. Because nothing says “success” like a Y Combinator-backed startup. 🚀

Arbitrum’s Price Analysis: A Wild Ride 🎢

Arbitrum is up 3% at $0.488 after a 7% drop. It’s like that one friend who’s always in a relationship, breaks up, and comes back. Will it last? Probably not. 💔

Cosmos’s Price Analysis: A Rollercoaster of Hope 🎢

Cosmos is up 2% at $4.36 after a 7% plunge. It’s like that one person in your group chat who says “I’m fine” but clearly isn’t. 🙃

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2025-08-21 16:03