Crypto Chaos Unleashed: Gold and Bonds Soar While Stocks Take a Nosedive 🚀📉

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In this tome of financial folly

SOLSOL$165.98◢6.60%
DOGEDOGE$0.2055◢4.72%

Behold! The U.S. jobs report, a masterpiece of disappointment, reveals the weakest employment spree since the dark days of 2020’s COVID hysteria. Plot twist: the data’s weak enough to make Powell’s “wait-and-see” seem as pointless as a screen door on a submarine.

This weak link in the economy shall surely spook the Fed into more rate cuts — because what’s a crisis without a little chaos? The joke’s on us: stocks, bonds, gold, all dance to this new tune of uncertainty.

Gold, that old reliable, jumps 1.5% to $3,400 — flirting with its record, as if feeling mischievous. Meanwhile, the 10-year Treasury yields plunge like a poorly thrown javelin—down 14 basis points to 4.22%. The “safe” assets are thriving, while the risky assets are barely clinging to their sanity.

Crypto is feeling the heat, too. Bitcoin, the supposed shining star, drops over 3%, momentarily losing its swagger at $113,800. Ether, Solana, BNB, Dogecoin—the whole crew—are down roughly 6%, a veritable crypto crash party. But XRP? It’s hanging in there, down just 2.9%, probably because it’s got more resilience than that guy who brought a spoon to a gunfight.

The President’s Unfiltered Wisdom

Former President Trump, in his infinite wisdom (or just internet style venting), called Powell “a disaster” and demanded, “DROP THE RATE.” Never one to hold his tongue, he also accused the Labor Statistics chief — probably of baking the reports like grandma’s cookies — claiming she cooked the books to make Biden/Harris look bad. Because, of course, it’s all a conspiracy, and not the economy doing its own thing.

Stock Market Shenanigans

Crypto stocks? Oh boy. Coinbase plummets nearly 18%, retaliating for its poor earnings with a nose dive into the abyss. Robinhood? A modest 3.1% decline—because who needs to be first when you can be just a little late? Riot Platforms, the Bitcoin miner, throws a tantrum and tumbles 17%, while Mara Holdings dips 3%. High-flying Circle, the stablecoin giant, collapses 7.5%, maybe realizing stability isn’t as thrilling as a rollercoaster.

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2025-08-01 21:46