Congress: ‘Hey, No Cheating on the Apocalypse Bets!’

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So, apparently, our beloved lawmakers have finally noticed that some people are making bets on whether the world’s gonna end-and they’re not invited to the party. Now they’re all like, “Wait, you mean someone’s profiting from our incompetence? Unacceptable!”

  • The PREDICT Act: Because nothing says ‘fair play’ like banning the people who caused the mess from betting on it.
  • Lawmakers are worried insiders might profit from war and policy events. Shocking, I know-who’d have thought?
  • Meanwhile, they’re also mad about sports bets. Because, you know, that’s the real threat to national security.

So, Adrian Smith and Nikki Budzinski-two people I’m sure you’ve never heard of-introduced the Preventing Real-time Exploitation and Deceptive Insider Congressional Trading Act, or PREDICT Act, on March 25, 2026. Because nothing screams “we’re serious” like a name that’s longer than the problem it’s trying to solve.

The bill basically says, “Hey Congress, Mr. President, and all you appointees-no more betting on whether your own policies will blow up in your face. Also, your spouses and kids? Yeah, they’re out too.”

And get this-if you break the rules, you get fined 10% of the contract’s value, and any profit goes to the Treasury. So, not only do you lose, but the government gets to keep your lunch money. Nice.

Lawmakers: ‘We’re Shocked-Shocked!-That People Are Profiting From Our Chaos’

Budzinski said, “We’ve seen little-known traders making massive profits on wars and funding fights.” Yeah, Nikki, that’s what happens when you run the country like a reality show. Smith added, “Public service shouldn’t be a pathway to profit.” Unless you’re a lobbyist, right?

This all comes after Senator Chris Murphy and Representative Greg Casar introduced the BETS OFF Act, which bans wagering on government actions, terrorism, war, and assassinations. Because apparently, betting on whether we’ll invade Iran is a bridge too far. Who knew?

And let’s not forget sports! Senators Adam Schiff and John Curtis are all like, “Sports prediction contracts are just sports bets!” Wow, thanks for clearing that up, guys. Also, they want to hand control back to the states, because nothing says “efficient governance” like 50 different sets of rules.

Platforms: ‘Uh-Oh, the Adults Are Mad’

Meanwhile, in the real world, a Nevada judge told Kalshi to stop offering event contracts without a license. Because, you know, laws. Kalshi and Polymarket are also tightening their rules, like banning political candidates from betting on their own campaigns. Because that’s totally a thing that needed to be addressed.

So, there you have it. Congress is finally cracking down on people betting on their own disasters. Next up: banning people from laughing at their incompetence. Good luck with that.

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2026-03-26 12:52