Coinbase’s Grand Plan: Utterly Dazzling or Just Fuss?

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Oh, do try to contain your excitement, darling. Coinbase, that purveyor of digital whatsits, is apparently attempting something rather…ambitious. They’re calling it the “everything exchange,” which sounds frightfully exhausting, doesn’t it? Millions of tokens, derivatives, and equities – all crammed onto one ‘onchain’ platform. Honestly, one feels a headache coming on just thinking about it. 🙄

The ‘Everything’ Exchange: Because Apparently, One Thing Isn’t Enough

So, on July 31st, coinciding with their second-quarter report (numbers, numbers, always numbers!), Coinbase deigned to reveal this grand vision. A series of pronouncements on that vulgar platform, X (formerly Twitter, heavens!), outlined their intention to integrate… well, everything, really. “Millions of assets → Derivatives → Tokenized equities,” they chirped. Rather breathless, wouldn’t you agree? The whole thing follows some marginally improved results in derivatives and…decentralized exchange, whatever that is. 🤷‍♀️

Mr. Brian Armstrong, Coinbase’s chief executive (one presumes he has a secretary), reiterated this thesis, stating, rather dramatically, that all assets will “inevitably move onchain.” Inevitable, my dear? One rather doubts it but let’s not quibble. He wants you to be able to trade absolutely everything in one place. How convenient… for them, naturally.

Coinbase is becoming the everything exchange. All assets will inevitably move onchain, so we want to have everything you want to trade in one place.

Apparently, they launched a suite of regulated futures (how thrilling!) and are acquiring Deribit, a platform for crypto options. One hopes the paperwork isn’t too dreadful. They’ve also listed over 300 spot things and plan to integrate a DEX into their Base App, which will allow access to (wait for it) millions of tokens. Millions! Goodness gracious. 😲

Max Branzburg, a vice president (clearly a very important person), waxed lyrical about the scale of their ambition. “Imagine all of this in one place…” he implored. One is trying very hard not to. He rather optimistically pointed to “tokenized equities” as the next big thing, describing the $100 trillion equity market as “ripe for onchain transformation.” One suspects a considerable amount of pruning might be required first. 🧐

With the Base App in “open beta” (whatever that means) and stablecoin usage growing, Coinbase is positioning itself as the place to be for a “fully tokenized global economy.” Rather a bold claim, wouldn’t you say? One shall observe with a raised eyebrow, and perhaps a gin and tonic. 🍸

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2025-08-01 03:58