Coinbase’s Audacious New York Crypto Gambit—Four Oddballs Enter the Ring! 🎩🗽

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If one finds oneself wandering the flinty canyons of Manhattan these days, one might trip over yet another monument to unbridled optimism: Coinbase, that darling of American crypto-thrill seekers, has achieved what one can only describe as a bureaucratic coup. A tweet, positively throbbing with modernity (dashed off on July 8, no less), announced that Coinbase’s pantheon of trading options in New York is now even fuller—presumably to the great excitement of that rare breed, the New York crypto trader who hasn’t yet traded everything for a hotdog cart.

All this is thanks to a shiny new license bestowed by the New York State Department of Financial Services. For those unversed in the deathless rituals of American finance, this license allows Coinbase to be a properly buttoned-up Virtual Currency Business. Suddenly, our intrepid exchange is not only legal but actually reputable—at least by New York standards, a place where losing your hat is expected and losing your shirt is merely unfortunate.

The obtuse tangle of state crypto laws in New York is known to cause rashes, but somehow, somewhere, a herald in a pinstripe suit has granted Coinbase the privilege to operate unfettered. One can almost see the gavel, the toast, the stifled yawns.

Subsquid, Celestia, XYO and Bittensor March In (Please Applaud Now)

On the heels of this regulatory love-in, Coinbase declared that it has listed four sparkling new curiosities: Subsquid (SQD), Celestia (TIA), XYO (XYO), and Bittensor (TAO). Why? Because nothing says “forward-thinking financial sophistication” quite like naming your investment portfolio after cephalopods and obscure neural metaphors. 🦑✨

Now, these tokens are jostling for attention on both the Coinbase platform and its various handheld contrivances, from which one can buy, sell, convert, send, receive, or simply gaze at these digital amuse-bouches—just as one might admire a particularly peculiar canapé at a company party one cannot escape.

If, per solemn tradition, the new tokens do not instantly materialize in your app, simply refresh the thing. Or perhaps shake your phone vigorously and offer a small sacrifice to the gods of Silicon Valley. Either may work.

Previously, Coinbase had already let slip news of Subsquid (SQD) for other more permissive domains, but now the Squid is loose in New York. One suspects it will not be the last time an aquatic metaphor wriggles its way into town.

This doughty expansion into a jurisdiction so famously tepid on crypto suggests either a heroic stubbornness or a profound faith in the city’s appetite for risk. Or perhaps the simple joy of seeing just how many times one can poke the regulatory bear before it bites. 🐻

No tale of crypto triumph would be complete without an ironic twist—naturally, the recently listed tokens chose the occasion to trade rather more southward than north. That is, they flopped. There is, apparently, no loyalty among digital coins, even to their own headlines.

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2025-07-09 00:28