Cryptonews

Ah, the crypto markets-a ballet of chaos, where $500 billion vanishes in a puff of binary smoke, only to be partially resurrected like a phoenix with a gambling addiction. 🦅🔥 Friday’s sell-off was so violent it made Black Friday look like a tea party, triggering liquidations that left traders sobbing into their LED screens. Wrapped tokens unraveled like a poorly knitted sweater, and Binance’s infrastructure groaned under the weight of its own ambition. 🤡💥

The reason for this surge, you ask? The answer, my dear reader, is simple: big, fat, institutional money. Nothing excites the market quite like the sound of banks and hedge funds sweeping up assets while the rest of us panic-sell. Classic move, right?

The payout, ah, it silences the clamor of the masses beneath the endless sky of social discourse, yet it scarcely grazes the bedrock of the token’s essence-its fundamentals stand resolute, like the silent birch trees weathering Siberian winters. 😏

The crypto community in Brazil is currently doing the samba after narrowly avoiding a tax overhaul that would’ve made even the most stoic trader weep. Provisional Measure 1,303, enacted by President Luiz “Lula” da Silva (yes, the same one who probably still thinks Bitcoin is a type of coffee ☕), aimed to slap a 17.5% flat tax on all crypto traders, regardless of whether they were small fish or whales. The measure had until October 8 to be passed by Congress, or it would vanish like a poorly executed NFT project.

Meanwhile, trading volume surged by 17%, hitting a cool $9.6 billion. Seems like the big buyers finally stopped sulking after that tariff-driven selloff, or maybe they just missed the party. Who knows? 🎉

Ah, the drama began at precisely 9:30 AM ET, just before Trump’s oh-so-timely tariff tweet at 10:57 AM ET. As always, the big players, or “whales,” had already set up their short positions, ready to feast. By 4:30 PM ET and 4:49 PM ET, one particularly savvy whale had bought over $23 million in shorts. Can we all agree this sounds like a strategy made for a Netflix documentary?

Cryptos and stocks performing a synchronised belly flop on a Friday, only to continue the happy trend over the weekend. Why? Because Donald Trump decided to throw another tantrum about tariffs on China. Spoiler: we’re down nearly 100% tariffs now. Exciting times!

Meanwhile, institutions are piling into Bitcoin like it’s Black Friday at a tech store. Even Trump’s own company is reportedly stacking BTC, rubbing elbows with the likes of MicroStrategy and MetaPlanet. Bitcoin’s price seems steadier now, but it’s still tied to the whims of US politics. So, is it time to dive in? Or should you just grab popcorn and watch? 🍿

Having initially bowed its dimpled grill to Bitcoin on the frosty yet auspicious day of May 16th, covering the culinary ground from America to the sun-dazed thoroughfares of France, Monaco, and Spain, they now find themselves reaping the spoils of loyalty, with sales burgeoning by a prosperous 15% compared to last year, all thanks to these crypto champions’ patronage.

“Don’t worry about China, it will all be fine!” he typed, presumably while eating a Big Mac and contemplating his next golf course. “Highly respected President Xi just had a bad moment.” Oh, just a bad moment, huh? Like when you accidentally wear mismatched socks, but with trillions of dollars at stake. 🧦💸 Trump assured us that the U.S.A. wants to help China, not hurt it, which is rich coming from the man who once called tariffs his “favorite word.” 🗣️🤡