Cryptonews

BlackRock, in a fit of modern efficiency, is rolling out a thoroughly revamped money market fund. This is all, naturally, to comply with the rather ponderously named GENIUS Act legislation. A strategic positioning, of course, to be a ‘good servant’ – a phrase one hasn’t heard since the decline of the British Empire – to these stablecoin issuers. These issuers, you see, must now possess reserves of a suitably liquid and high-quality nature, as dictated by the federal framework. A tiresome obligation, no doubt, but one BlackRock is eager to facilitate… for a fee.

Now, brace yourself for the next act: October 31st, a date so magical it could rival the debut of a magician’s rabbit. Dr. Cat, channeling Ichimoku’s ghost, insists this is when bulls might “break the ATH cage” (or crash like a flamingo in a hailstorm). But first, the market must endure a gauntlet of weekly Kijun Sen lines-$105,700 this week, $109,559 next-as if Satoshi himself had scribbled these numbers on a napkin during a caffeine binge.

Valve, a colossus in this virtual realm, found itself not immune-victimized to the extent that even third-rate fan channels joined the chaos. An empire of pixels, turned hostage to digital smugglers. It’s 2025, folks, and the crime wave is no longer in the shadows; it’s surfing on the waves of the internet, grinning maliciously. 🕵️‍♂️

The world’s collective jaw dropped when the U.S. government revealed it had seized 127,271 BTC from Chen Zhi’s “Prince Group” scam, a financial Ponzi scheme so elaborate it could’ve been scripted by a 19th-century con artist. Meanwhile, onchain sleuths are tracing the money trail back to Lubian.com, a defunct mining pool prosecutors claim was funded by ill-gotten gains-a digital alibi as flimsy as a paper wallet in a hurricane.

The stage was set by three harbingers: Coinbase’s Premium, the Funding Rate’s sly grin, and the Taker Buy/Sell Ratio’s mournful dirge. In the land of the free, where Coinbase reigns, premiums gleamed like gold, yet Binance’s wolves howled louder, their sell orders drowning the timid chorus of American buyers. Ah, the Funding Rate-faithless as ever-remained negative for four days, a ghost haunting Binance’s halls, while elsewhere, exchanges basked in the glow of positivity. The Taker Ratio, that ancient barometer, plummeted to its lowest ebb in a year, sellers waltzing with glee as liquidation reigned supreme.

As of this very second (which might change by the time you blink), Bitcoin is sitting at a sad $108,027. That’s a lovely 2.97% dip in the last 24 hours. Traders are definitely NOT enjoying this plot twist. 😬

Look, crypto’s like that weird cousin everyone misunderstands at Thanksgiving. You know, the one who’s always talking about ancient aliens or whatever. Folks see it as some gambling den full of goofy meme coins, Bitcoin billionaires who probably can’t cook pasta, and overnight evaporations of cash that make you weep into your whiskey. But darlings, that’s just scratching the surface – or rather, missing the elephant in the room. Crypto’s not a crapshoot; it’s the awkward next chapter in the internet’s puberty years.

On October 16, 2025, Ripple, the master of the XRP (XRP) and Ripple USD (RLUSD) domains, announced its latest conquest. Ah, the sweet taste of expansion! 🌍✨

Troy Downing, Montana’s gift to Congress since 2025, used to audit securities and insurance. Also, Air Force vet, NYU researcher, and entrepreneur. Quite the résumé-but does he know crypto isn’t a Ponzi scheme? 🤔 His first crypto-related bill in the House, the Retirement Investment Choice Act, is his big swing. Let’s see if it connects or strikes out. ⚾

Altcoins? More like “alt-cries,” am I right? ZEC, ASTER, PUMP, IP-they’re all in the red, looking like they’ve just been stood up on a first date. 💔📉