Cryptonews

It seems Robinhood Markets, Inc. (NASDAQ: HOOD) – a name that evokes images of daring heroism which, frankly, feels a bit much for a trading app – has decided to acquire a couple of Indonesian firms: PT Buana Capital Sekuritas and PT Pedagang Aset Kripto. December 8th, they announced it, with the usual air of optimistic proclamation. The plan? To bring equities and, naturally, cryptocurrencies to the masses. More precisely, to the 19 million capital market investors and 17 million crypto investors already existing in Indonesia. This is, one assumes, because they weren’t being adequately served before.

Ether…yeah, it’s a thing. It’s at a “turning point.” Everything’s always at a turning point. The experts (and I use that term loosely) are saying there are “technical indicators.” You know, lines on a chart. As if that predicts anything. Two of them, intersecting. Very scientific. 🙄

And instead of choosing a side, the crowd is choosing to embrace both, thereby creating a most perplexing conundrum. 😅

Jerome Powell, the current chair, will end his term in May 2026, like a weary actor leaving the stage, while Trump, ever the drama queen, prepares to announce a successor, according to U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. 🎭

According to the protocol, this new layer-1 network is “designed for stablecoin transactions.” How quaint. It relies on Tether’s USDt for gas fees, as if the poor souls who once dared to use volatile assets were too weak to handle the burden of real choice. 🤡

In a recent podcast, the Cardano wizard himself described the quantum threat as nothing more than “a big red herring.” Yes, folks, apparently we’re all chasing shadows here. Real panic? That won’t happen until we see some serious military-grade quantum progress. So, take a deep breath, everyone. 💨

Hold on, though! While some crypto enthusiasts are ready to storm the bank with pitchforks (or maybe just their phones), the reality might not be as sinister as it seems. Evidence suggests the culprit isn’t political bias – it’s compliance. Yep, those pesky regulations that even Jamie Dimon can’t escape.

In case you missed it, on Monday, USDt (USDT) was officially recognized as an “accepted fiat-referenced token.” This means that firms in the Abu Dhabi Global Market (ADGM) can now offer trading, custody, and basically any other service you can imagine involving the stablecoin. They even put it in writing, so it’s real, folks.

The investigation, launched in October 2023 under the watchful eye of Gary Gensler (who probably has a spreadsheet for everything), delved into Ondo’s tokenized U.S. Treasury products like OUSG. A product so mysterious that even the IRS probably has it on their ‘do not disturb’ list. Meanwhile, they also debated whether ONDO tokens qualify as securities-because what’s life without a little unnecessary ambiguity?

Seventeen years it has survived, this digital Lazarus rising from the grave of skepticism. Hacks, crashes, pandemics-each plague met with a grin and a shrug. The tulip, poor thing, perished in three seasons, its bulb a footnote in the ledger of folly. Bitcoin? It dances on the edge of the volcano, laughing as it crumbles beneath its own weight. 🌋