Citigroup Hops on the Crypto Ice-Cream Truck 🍦🪙 Claim a Cone or Get Coned!

Biswarup Chatterjee, a man whose business card probably doubles as a boarding pass to six continents, admits the bank first wishes to swaddle the real collateral that props up your favorite cartoon dollar. “Custody,” he says, tasting the word the way a child tastes plastic soldiers-then Reuters prints it, and presto! It’s scripture. 😇

🤑 Hong Kong SFC Whips Crypto Platforms into Shape! 🛡️

The SFC, in its infinite wisdom, has decreed that digital assets must be guarded like a miser’s gold, lest the crypto world’s wallet management prove as flimsy as a ghost’s promise. 🧛‍♂️ The new standards, nestled under the grandly named ASPIRe plan (a name so lofty, it could only be dreamed up by a committee), demand that senior management take the helm, lest they be cast into the abyss of non-compliance. Oh, the horror! 😰

Cardano’s Toes Tap: Up for a 70% Jaunt? 🚀〰️♨️

Cardano Chart

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round as Cardano, on Thursday, did a swan dive of 11% after gallantly soaring past the $1.00 milestone for the very first time since the spring pollen. This human-like dip was fed by the big, bad crypto market’s tirade, resulting in a mass liquidation extravaganza that would give a Rube Goldberg machine a run for its money.

Crypto Scam: How to Lose $1.6M Faster Than You Can Say “Blockchain”

Just this past week, unsuspecting crypto enthusiasts managed to part with more than a cool $1.6 million-yes, that’s one, six, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero-virtually evaporating into the ether through a charming little trick called address poisoning. Turns out, scammers are now so sophisticated, they don’t even need to leave the couch; they just send tiny, sneaky transactions from lookalike addresses, expertly disguised as the real deal. It’s like a game of “spot the difference,” only the prize is your hard-earned digital cash. 🎯

Vietnam Gets Crypto Exchange (Because the World Needed Another One) 🤦‍♂️

After watching the rest of the world lose their shirts on cryptocurrency for years, Vietnam finally said, “Alright, fine, we’ll take a spin on this rollercoaster too!” 🎢 They’re launching their first crypto exchange through this shiny new Dunamu-MB Bank partnership. Dunamu? Oh, just the geniuses behind Upbit, South Korea’s “We swear this isn’t a Ponzi scheme” exchange.