Cryptonews

This union, announced with all the fanfare of a minor royal engagement, is expected to culminate by year’s end. The resulting entity, a chimera of biotech and finance, will prance onto Nasdaq under a new ticker symbol, no doubt to the delight of day traders and the bewilderment of the rest of us. At the helm of this ship of fools are Chairman Bob Diamond, erstwhile overlord of Barclays, and CEO David Schamis, a man who clearly relishes the sound of his own voice.

Dear reader, it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a token in possession of a large market cap, must be in want of a stable value. Yet, the Pi Network’s core team, in a most unseemly manner, has executed a sell-off of 1.2 million Pi tokens, casting a shadow of doubt upon its future. Alas, the token, already struggling to maintain its value, now faces further scrutiny, as the market trembles like a leaf in the wind. 🚨

From the smoky backrooms of mid-2024, the NATO cabal plotted a token both culturally resonant and immune to the siren call of rug pulls. No presales, no ICOs, no private investors-only the cold, unyielding truth of code. “Ownership renounced! Mints forbidden! Fees nonexistent!” they declared in a recent AMA, their voices echoing with the solemnity of a church sermon. And so, they locked liquidity, renounced control, and entrusted the masses with the reins, as one might gift a horse to a peasant and pray for the best.

“This is the year the world came on-chain,” the report boldly declares. So, apparently, the world didn’t get the memo last year. I mean, Bitcoin holding over half of the crypto market cap is old news, right? But now, stablecoins are out here rivaling Visa in transaction volume. So, if you ever thought your grandma’s paper checks were more secure than crypto, maybe it’s time for an upgrade.

So, Hyperliquid Strategies, this new digital asset treasury company, has filed an S-1 with the SEC. They want $1 billion. For what? To buy HYPE. Yes, HYPE. Not Bitcoin, not Ethereum, HYPE. Because why invest in something stable when you can chase the next big bubble? 🧨

Now, CPOOL, that’s an institutionally charming project all about giving institutional borrowers unsecured loans via blockchain-based credit pools, so you’re not just a pretty face. And lo and behold, your announcement of a double listing took off like my weekend after Tweeting my latest misadventures. Just to recap, let me throw some numbers your way: A trading volume boom of 2,500%! 🎉 Your market cap didn’t just flex, it shattered a ceiling, reaching a dazzling $139 million. Well done, CPOOL, you’ve officially become the darling of DeFi tokens overnight! What’s next? A cameo on Dragon’s Den? 🐉

So, Forward Industries (you know, the Nasdaq-listed juggernaut) has announced the creation of its very own crypto advisory board. It’s a bold move, involving 25 of the most “esteemed” financial minds-because what says “success” like a boardroom full of experts, right?

The financial terms were not disclosed, but the deal will be financed through a combination of cash and equity. According to Bloomberg, the transaction is expected to close by the end of the year. Because nothing says “trust us” like a vague timeline and a handshake 🤝💸.

Despite racking up a hefty $45,000 in server costs (oh, the audacity!), the ambitious yet terribly inefficient culprit pocketed a grand total of… wait for it… less than $6,000. Oh, the joys of economic desperation – when you want to steal but are tragically terrible at it.

Ethena (ENA) has mounted a splendid soap opera come-from-behind, following its ignominious plunge earlier this month. On October 10, the token nosedived to $0.14, unleashing a cascade of liquidations across the grand exchanges, as if the financiers couldn’t bear the suspense. But oh, the irony: institutional investors, those pompous knights in shining armor 🤡, swiftly descended, hoisting the token nearly 200% from its depths.