Cryptonews

Korea’s Financial Intelligence Unit tallied 36,684 suspicious reports Jan-Aug 2025-a biblical flood surpassing two years’ worth of trickle. Imagine Noah’s Ark, but for crypto grifters. 🚢

Husky Inu’s regular price increases have seen it raise $897,020 so far. The project could reach the $900,000 mark by the end of the week. Because nothing says “community” like a group of people collectively hoping a decimal point will magically turn into a dollar sign. 💸

His Excellency, President Lula da Silva, having no doubt confounded his cabinet with this latest stroke of brilliance, has graciously granted leave to two civil servants-yes, the very same breed who usually juggle paperwork and perhaps a photocopier-to camp out at a cryptocurrency shindig in Panama.

But wait-there’s a silver lining. Despite being duped, the hacker still made a tidy $28 million from minting and selling new UXLINK tokens. If nothing else, this criminal certainly knows how to capitalize on a disaster.

Now, the tide shifts-like a drunkard’s stumble. Inflows waltz in while outflows slink away, whispering secrets of short-term peril. Accumulation trends? They dance to a different tune, leaving traders clutching their hats, asking, “What now?” 🤷♂️

Everyone’s been roasting Bitcoin for its wallflower performance compared to gold – that’s right, gold sashayed right past $3,800 per ounce, breaking records like it’s Oprah giving away prizes. “You get a record! You get a record! Everybody gets a record!” Meanwhile, Bitcoin’s stuck under $115,000 like it’s afraid of commitment.

Meanwhile, the big brains in the crypto circus keep peering through their monocles, whispering that DOGE might flip the script and hit $0.50 faster than you can say “meme economy.” Ali Martinez, the oracle of digital fortune-telling, calls it “a prime time to buy”-because when everyone’s selling, that’s when you should be scooping up the coins and hoping they don’t turn into digital dust! 💰💸

According to the man of the hour, Mr. Lightspeed (because why have one grandiose title when you can have two?), the wallets of the bridge charlatan are now emptier than Bertie Wooster’s patience after a string of Aunt Dahlia’s comical catastrophes.

Yes, you read correctly: no staking prison, just free-flowing weekly payouts-since apparently, stablecoins need to keep up with the Kardashians too. The move comes as everyone from Wall Street to your Aunt Sally figures out that stablecoins are the new black-battling fiercely for dominance in the kingdom of coins.

Three absurdities explain this lunacy: