Cryptonews

As we meandered through his house, he gestured toward an off-white wall, its companion a sofa so uncomfortable it seemed to mock the very notion of repose. This monstrosity of furniture had not budged in over a decade, a silent sentinel of ugliness. The wall, however, held secrets. A small square door, when pressed, revealed a crawl space-a time capsule of sorts. Inside lay relics of the 1970s: gnawed board games, forgotten documents, and the faint scent of mildew. It was as if he’d prepared for a winter that never came. 🕰️

MoonPay is dreaming big-aiming for a valuation of five billion dollars, as if that’s some kind of magic number, easy pickings in the game of fools. Bloomberg, ever the reliable source, whispers this in hushed tones, yet refuses to dish out the actual dollar amount. Typical, isn’t it? 💸

New York’s own Moonpay is allegedly putting the finishing touches on this fundraising round, though everyone’s sworn to secrecy like it’s a season finale spoiler. 🤫 The valuation? A step up from its 2021 crypto bull market glory days of $3.4 billion. ICE’s contribution? Still a mystery, darling. Neither party is spilling the tea, but Bloomberg’s got the receipts. Read all about it here-if you’re into financial gossip, that is.

The broader CoinDesk 20 index, that paragon of stability, sauntered upward 0.2% to 2,662, as if to mock FIL’s shenanigans. 😏

According to Thursday’s announcement, this SoFiUSD is a marvel of efficiency, designed to aid banks, fintechs, and enterprises in their noble quest for low-cost settlements. A most commendable endeavor, if one is inclined to such things. 🧙‍♂️

Lo, the December Global Fund Manager Survey revealeth a scandalous truth: a mere 3.3% of portfolios lieth in cash-the lowest in the annals of history! 📉 Barron’s doth report this madness, and we, the enlightened, must laugh… or weep. 🤡

In a post so scintillating it could only be on X, ChartNerd pointed to the multi-month support at a rather pedestrian $1.8. Apparently, over the last 13 months, XRP has a habit of rallying into its trading range resistance when it approaches this territory. How quaint! 📈🎢 The accompanying chart-a masterpiece of lines and squiggles-suggests the altcoin could bounce to above $3, as it has in the past. But, my darlings, with the Bank of Japan threatening to raise rates, ChartNerd wonders if this time the script might be rewritten. 🏦💥

SoFi Technologies has launched SoFiUSD, a fully reserved U.S. dollar stablecoin issued by SoFi Bank. Notably, the company says this is the first national bank-issued stablecoin on a public blockchain. The launch is a strategic move to combine regulated banking and onchain settlement. Therefore, the focus of industry attention has quickly intensified. 😂

The price of Bitcoin (BTC) has risen by 0.65% over the last 24 hours. One might call it a “technical rally,” or perhaps a “triumph of hope over experience.”

Yet, my dear reader, not all is as it seems in this crypto carnival. While the buying pressure has tickled the market’s fancy, the capital groups remain as convinced as a cat at a dog show. The result? A market suspended between support and skepticism, destined for a range move as thrilling as a tepid cup of tea. Pi Coin, alas, finds itself at a crossroads-inflows are flirting, but conviction is as elusive as a Nabokovian butterfly. 🦋🤷‍♂️