Cryptonews

“Bitcoin’s weekly Bollinger Bands are now the tightest in history,” proclaimed the enigmatic Mr. Anderson on X (formerly known as Twitter, because why not rename everything?). He’s the kind of guy who looks at squiggly lines and sees the future. 🔮📈 “When these bands get this cozy,” he added, “it’s like a rubber band stretched to its limit-something’s gotta snap.” 💥🚀

Meanwhile, the broader crypto sentiment is teetering on the edge of a panic attack, like a circus performer on a tightrope. Yet DOGE, ever the plucky underdog, continues to prove itself with consistent liquidity inflows. What a trooper!

This nifty little executive order was signed on August 7, 2025, and directs our beloved federal regulators to take a long, hard look at the rules that have kept many retirement savers stuck in traditional markets. Because, apparently, just stocks and bonds weren’t *wild* enough for some people. 😂

Deutsche Bank, ever the society host, published a report by its Research Institute on Sept. 22 titled “Bitcoin vs. Gold: The Future of Central Bank Reserves by 2030,” pondering whether bitcoin could charm its way into the same velvet-draped portfolios as gold. The study compared both assets against traditional reserve standards-volatility (gold: *yawn*, bitcoin: *chaos!*), liquidity (gold: *snail pace*, bitcoin: *lightning strike!*), and trust (gold: *centuries of pedigree*, bitcoin: *still proving itself*). By 2030, central banks might hold both as diversifiers-because why choose one when you can have both? 🤷‍♂️

This Mr. Hayes, he used to run a crypto exchange called Bitmex (sounds like a snake oil salesman’s establishment, if you ask me), and now he’s the big cheese at Maelstrom Fund. He’s been jawin’ about how if Trump were to be back in the White House, he might just unleash a whole heapin’ helpin’ of money-printin’. He thinks some fella named Scott Bessent might try to control interest rates like they did back in the war – a time when folks were worried about a bit more than the price of a loaf of bread. Now, that, he reckons, could create a whole lotta credit.

BNB outpaced its peers in September, setting it up for a possible $40B market cap gain by year-end. Let’s hope the market doesn’t crash into a wall of confusion. 🛑

Now, before you start dreaming of Lambos and moon missions, remember: this plan is as non-binding as a New Year’s resolution. But hey, crypto bigwigs like Coinbase, Circle, and Ripple are already popping the champagne. 🍾 The public has until October 20 to weigh in on this financial rollercoaster. Buckle up! 🎢

Ah, Chainlink! A fighter beaten by the cruel mid-$27 barrier, retreating like a weary soldier now hovering near $21.43, limping down 6.66% this week. The weekly chart tells a tale of reversal, the price trembling at the edge of the Ichimoku cloud-a ghostly battleground known to greet past heroes who dared to rebound.

Hold my beer, Bloomberg says Tether’s throwing a *private equity party* and the dress code is “bring a briefcase full of cash.” $15-20B for 3%? Sounds like a Black Friday sale at the world’s sketchiest crypto garage. 🚨