This mysterious analyst, now apparently psychic with charts, informed his 153,500 followers on X (aka Twitter with a midlife crisis) that Bitcoin is teasing us with a bullish continuation pattern. Think it’s about to shoot up. Think fireworks. Think your mum’s look when she heard you bought crypto. 😱
And over yonder, Cronos — a coin, not a Greek god, though just as dramatic — shot up like a prairie jackrabbit spooked by the promise of regulatory filings. Meanwhile, Raydium tried to sneak in double-digit gains, and a bunch of memecoins tiptoed behind, uninvited but hoping for scraps. If you stepped back and squinted, you could almost call this market ‘stable,’ but we both know that word is more hope than fact out here. Market caps and volumes just keep pacing back and forth, like a worried shepherd counting sheep that refuse to stand still.
Brad Garlinghouse, Ripple’s ever-dapper CEO, is striding into the Senate today, sleeves rolled up, gaze fixed squarely on “clarity.” His full oration, conveniently pre-released (because who doesn’t love a spoiler), has all the élan of a Noël Coward curtain-raiser.
Thus began the grand adventure of the Pakistan Virtual Assets Regulatory Authority (PVARA), a noble quest to vanquish the darkness of unregulated digital finance and emerge victorious, with the shining armor of international best practices and Financial Action Task Force (FATF) guidelines.
Elon, who somewhere between launching rockets and courting controversy decided he knew a thing or two about justice, spat out a late-night truth. He scolded those trusted with both squirrels and scandals, as though accountability were a bird they’d forgotten to feed. Peanut—whose only crime was charm—was sent to meet his maker, while the notorious Epstein list remains a sort of secret club for the world’s rich and conveniently forgetful. The market, always hungry for spectacle, heard Elon’s bark and, like Pavlov’s dogs, traders rushed to buy that shiny PNUT.
In this languorous confinement, the price of Bitcoin exhausted itself hovering just above crucial support, whispering tales of strength that fooled no one but perhaps the most optimistic hodler. The very air seemed thick with expectation—it was the sort of silence before the family dinner erupts over whose turn it is to fetch the samovar. Volatility, like the patience of a Petersburg coachman, was vanishing, portending that an ominous—nay, fateful—move was surely gathering in the wings.
Cette rhétorique a envoyé les actions asiatiques en chute libre pour la troisième fois en quatre séances, a fait plonger les futures de cuivre à Londres, et a traîné les futures d’actions américaines dans le rouge. Et pourtant, Bitcoin est resté largement impassible, suggérant que les investisseurs en cryptomonnaies soit ignorent le bruit macroéconomique, soit considèrent BTC comme de plus en plus isolé des risques politiques mondiaux, ont supposé certains.
Apparently, this ghost page offered 150 billion PUMP tokens (that’s 15% of the pie, people) at $0.004 a pop, for a theoretical $600 million raised and a $4 billion valuation. That’s more zeroes than in my bank account.
The Treasury’s Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) – which sounds like a made-up thing, but apparently isn’t – has fingered two individuals and four entities as being part of a North Korea-run IT worker ring. One of them, a chap named Song Kum Hyok, allegedly stole US citizens’ info to use as aliases. Because who needs their own identity when you can just nick someone else’s? 🤣
Now, Bitcoin’s had its fair share of ups and downs, like a rollercoaster ride at the county fair. It took a tumble after failing to reach the $110,000 mark, but the bulls came a-runnin’ to save the day.
