Bitwise Asset Management, that paragon of U.S. asset management, has published its “10 Crypto Predictions for 2026” report on Dec. 15, a document so bullish it makes a Siberian winter seem warm. Chief Investment Officer Matt Hougan and Head of Research Ryan Rasmussen, with the gravitas of Tolstoy dissecting peasant life, declare:
Yet, behold the irony! The Funding Rate, a sullen miser, sits deep in the red, whispering that the perpetual contract price lags behind the spot. Longs feast on funding, while shorts pile in like lemmings off a cliff. 🦵💥 Could this brew a short squeeze, or is it merely the market’s cruel jest? 🤡
The searches, executed on December 18th with the precision of a Swiss watch, fell under the Prevention of Money Laundering Act (PMLA). They descended upon the lairs of 4th Bloc Consultants and their dubious associates like a troupe of overcaffeinated ballet dancers. 🎩🐇
Arthur Hayes, co-founder of BitMEX, has been seen depositing Ether into exchanges with the grace of a man fleeing a dragon. On-chain data reveals a pattern so repetitive, it’s like watching a broken record play “sell, sell, sell.” Investors, ever the gullible, speculate he’s selling ETH with the fervor of a man who’s just discovered the Pope is a robot. But let us not forget-this is a strategy of portfolio rebalancing, a dance he’s performed before, like a conductor of chaos.
ZKsync developers, those alchemists of the digital realm, have announced a major protocol upgrade set to unfurl in early Q1 2026. This upgrade, unveiled on a Wednesday steeped in algorithmic mystique, will demand ZKsync Era and other Elastic Network chains to briefly relinquish their current settlement mechanism, trading the ZKsync Gateway for the venerable Ethereum Layer 1 mainnet. A brief sojourn into the past, perhaps? 🧩
“Crypto’s still in the middle stage-like a young man dreaming he’s the king of the world, while he’s really just a poor devil chasing his tail.” – Dan Tapiero
BTC AB carries out a directed issue of Preference A shares of approx. SEK 7.2 million
Ah, the irony! The very instruments of freedom-Bitcoin, Ethereum, and their lesser brethren-now shackled by the chains of anticipation. 📉 The market, once a tempest of greed, now cowers in the corner, its fear index a pathetic 24, whispering “Extreme Fear” like a mantra. Even the futures open interest has shriveled, a sad 1.3% decline, as if the traders themselves have retreated into hibernation. 🛌
Yet, in this morbid ballet, the XRP and SOL products prance with a mischievous grin, bathed in the verdant glow of gains, though their triumphs are but whispers in the wind compared to the thunderous roars of their fallen brethren. 🌱😏
Amid the broader market volatility, Ethereum has been attempting to hold the recently reclaimed $2,900 level as support to potentially challenge higher resistance levels in the coming days. It’s like watching a toddler try to balance a stack of blocks-mostly chaos, but maybe, maybe, something will stick.